Curse of the Black Pearl: An Affectionate Parody
by Willofthewisp
Summary: Just what the title promises, an no-holds-barred parody in which our beloved characters say whatever is on their minds, find themselves using adult language in adult situations, use anachronisms galore, and otherwise pilfer their weasely black guts out!
1. The Obligatory Intro by Flashback Scene

**A/N: Disclaimer: I do not own POTC, nor a LOT of other references that will be in these chapters.**

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"We pillage, we plunder, we rifle and loot/Drink up, me hearties, yo ho!/We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot…I wonder what ravage means," young Elizabeth Swann thought aloud, standing at the forecastle of a ship cutting through fog so thick she could scarcely make out the bowsprit. "Oh well. Where was I? Oh yes. Drink up, me hearties, yo ho! Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me/We extort, we pilfer, we filch, and sack/Drink up…"

"Quiet, missy!" She gasped at the sudden weight on her shoulder, jumping back to see Mr. Gibbs' paw plopped on her. "Ya 'bout scared me Donald Duck hat right off of me!"

"Mr. Gibbs, that will do!" Ah, yes, she thought. Once again, Lieutenant Norrington to the rescue. Didn't he know she was jailbait?

"She was singin' about pirates! Bad luck to be singing about pirates with us mired in this unnatural fog, mark my words."

"Consider them marked," Norrington said with tightened lips. "On your way." The two of them watched Gibbs buttle off, neither sure what it was he exactly did on this ship, only that it wouldn't surprise either of them if he spent his nights in a pig hovel. Oh jeez, Elizabeth rolled her eyes. He's staring at me again. Better come up with something to say.

"I think it'd be rather fascinating to meet a pirate."

Norrington snorted, his eyes gleaming as he looked out to sea…what little they could see of it, anyway.

"Think again, Miss Swann. Vile and dissolute creatures, the lot of them. I know my words won't seem important, oh, say, eight years from now, but I intend to see to it that any man who sails under a pirate flag or wears a pirate brand gets what he deserves—a short drop and a sudden stop."

Glancing over at Gibbs, mimicking a hanging, complete with choking noise, she shuddered.

"Lieutenant Norrington…"

"I wasn't looking at her chest!"

"What?" Governor Swann asked with a furrowed brow.

"Er, nothing. What was it you wanted?"

"I appreciate your fervor, sir, but I'm concerned about the effect this subject will have upon my daughter. Who knows? Today she's just a freckle-faced girl with a strange American accent who doesn't seem to have a gift for acting, but in a matter of minutes, she could be some creamy-skinned British bombshell!" Governor Swann patted her back, gathering her to him, his long coat and wig concealing her from what he considered the most vile and dissolute creatures…single men.

"My apologies, Governor Swann," Norrington said quickly, averting his eyes from Elizabeth. I'm not THAT short, she wanted to say, folding her arms over her budding chest. And they're not THAT big. As much as she loved the journey from England to Port Royal, she'd learned the basics of sailing by Day 10, how to fire a musket on Day 13, how to gut a sea turtle on Day 22, and had listened to every single song on her iPod on Day 27. She rested her elbows on the railing of the ship, imaging what it would be like if this day haunted her for the rest of her life. A parasol floated by, followed by a haggard piece of driftwood with a small figure slumped across it.

"Look! There's a boy! There's a boy in the water!" she cried. After some random commands that sounded a little too random, the men hauled the young boy aboard, still breathing, thank goodness.

"Mary, Mother of God!" Ahead, flames pushed their way through the fog, the remnants of a ship still burning on the water. Ah, this is what "ravage" means.

"Pirates," everyone breathed.

"Elizabeth, I want you to accompany the boy. He'll be in your charge. Now we don't know what circumstances brought him to us, so if he touches you, I want you to remember that place I said to hit men if they get fresh with you." Governor Swann peered over at the unconscious boy, drenched in ocean, sweat, and terror. "On second thought, he looks like a eunuch. Poke him in the eyes if he gets fresh with you."

Elizabeth nodded and bent over the boy, brushing a heavy, soaked strand of dark hair from his face. Suddenly, the boy wheezed and took hold of her wrist.

"Shh, it's okay. My name's Elizabeth Swann. I don't know why you would care about such a detail since you nearly drowned…I really don't know how to talk to boys…do you like pirates? I'm super-crazy about pirates and using anachronisms like the phrase, 'okay.' Oh goodness, I'm babbling. I told you I don't know how to talk to boys." She blushed, but the boy gave her a smile with no traces of malice or sarcasm in it.

"W-w-will Turner," he said, spitting out a bit of water.

"I'm watching over you, Will." With that, Will fainted again. I must not be doing too well a job of watching over him, she shook her head, wondering what else she could be doing to make sure he didn't die of exposure. But then something shiny caught her eye.

"You're a pirate!" she exclaimed, fingering a skeleton-designed medallion that dropped out of his hand. She picked it up without thinking, and if you were to ask the adult Elizabeth Swann when it first was that she started diving into situations without fully knowing what was going on, she would probably choose this day, although she'd been doing it ever since that strange day back in England when she took a piglet, a carrot, and an anthology of the works of Edmund Spenser and…but that's another story for another time.

"Has he said anything?" Norrington asked, closing in on her personal bubble.

"His name is Will Turner. That's all I found out," she lied. As the crew carried the boy below decks, a flash of black called her from the medallion, called her to the sea. The flash led up to a solid black ship with ebony sails billowing in the wind, an ebony flag flying at its mast.


	2. The Heroes Talk About Nothing Scene

The dream of how she met Will Turner quickly dissolved into that recurring dream she had about being at finishing school, the other girls decked out in their best dresses, each one with her needle and thread. A sense of dread came over her when she saw both her hands were empty…but, oh no! She was also naked!

Elizabeth snapped her eyes open, crying, "Needlepoint!" in bed, her shallow breathing slowing when she realized it was all just a dream. Reaching for the drawer of her bedside table, she pushed past her _Colonial Courtesies _magazines which were really just covers for her _Playgirl: Special Pirate Edition, _until she reached the medallion. Wiping a layer of dust from it, she tucked back her hair and wore it as a necklace, shoving the pendant into her cleavage.

"Knock knock," her father said from the other side of the door.

"Who's there?" she recited.

"Usher."

"Usher who?"

"Usher wish you would open the door!" Elizabeth knew without having to open it her father would be slapping his knee and flicking a tear from his eye. Slipping on her robe, she opened it for him.

"Still abed at this hour? Estrella, open the curtains! I know what this means…" He wagged a finger at her as the sunlight swept into the room. "Damn this bed with a canopy." He jerked back the canopy. "Aha! That was too obvious!" Swooping to the floor like a cannonball had whirled by, he searched under her bed.

"Are you always going to think I have a man in here?" she asked, hands on her hips.

"Just let me check the closet." He crossed to the closet and opened it. "Good. Well, it is a beautiful day, isn't it? I have a gift for you." He clapped his hands and two of the female servants held out a frilly, dress that in some lights looked yellow and in others looked white…deciding what color it was made Elizabeth roll her tongue inside her mouth.

"It's beautiful," she decided, shrugging off that it was its own color. At least it wasn't baby-poop-colored. She was saving that color for her wedding day. "May I inquire as to the occasion?"

"Go on and put it on first." She scurried behind her screen, her maids following. "I…do you know what a paramour is?"

"Does this have anything to do with Norrington?"

"I was hoping you might wear it to his ceremony today. COMMODORE Norrington, ha ha! That's going to be a military rank that lasts forever, to be sure! A fine gentleman, don't you think?"

She gagged from the laces of her corset being tightened, but decided she probably would have gagged anyway.

"Elizabeth? How's it coming?"

"Difficult. To. Say."

"I'm told it's the latest fashion in London, you know, where beating bears, public executions, and kidney pie are in vogue."

"Milord, you have a visitor," she heard, sucking in as much of her tiny waist as she could. She just knew she'd swoon before the day was out.

Downstairs, Will, now a strapping youth with buckled shoes, fondled one of the sconces on the wall in the foyer. It was just as long and hard as one of his swords back at the shop. His fingers reached his thumb, forming a ring over it. He slid his hand up, then down, then up again, speeding up the process. He didn't know why he found it pleasurable. Then, with a snap, it broke right off the wall.

"Shit!" He twitched and tossed it into the umbrella stand.

"Ah, Mr. Turner, good to see you again."

"Good day, sir," he said, his eyes shifting to the umbrella stand. "I have your order." He opened his case and revealed the shimmering sword he'd spent all week crafting. "The blade is folded steel. That's gold filigree laid into the handle. If I may?" He took the sword and balanced it. "Perfectly balanced. The tang is nearly the full width of the blade." Flipping it, he presented it to the governor.

"Tang?"

"Yes, sir. It's a part of a sword."

"Oh!" His hand flew to his heart. "I thought for a moment your Tourettes was acting up."

Will wanted to explain that he didn't have Tourettes, that being the apprentice to a drunkard, having no parents, and pining after a girl far out of his social class all frustrated him and without an appropriate outlet, his frustration came out in short bursts of swears that would make a sailor blush, but he hand-waved it, already feeling a tumor building up in his brain from rage. If only he could whack someone with an oar…

"It's very impressive. Commodore Norrington is going to be very pleased with this. Oh, Elizabeth, you look absolutely stunning!"

Descending from the stairs, Elizabeth frowned at the fact the camera was pulled back so far it couldn't provide a close-up of her in her new dress, but she lit up at the sight of Will.

"Will! It's so good to see you!" There. Now she was in the foreground. Everyone could see her fine. "I had a dream about you last night!"

"About me?"

"About the day we met, do you remember? The day that will have absolutely no consequences for either of us ever?"

"How could I forget, Miss Swann?"

"Will, how many times must I ask you to call me Elizabeth?"

"At least once more, Miss Swann, as always," he sighed, his heart racing.

"There. See? At least the boy has a sense of propriety," Governor Swann sighed. Thank God the boy was a eunuch. That was one out of a world that consisted of pirates, chimneysweeps, and rat catchers that could be trusted to be behind closed doors with his daughter. "We really must be going. Where's that sword?"

"I still have it, sir." Will sheepishly handed over the sword.

"Thank you. I'll keep it in its case. I'd do that tricky maneuver you just did, but I'd be afraid I'd stab you with it!" He gave out an awkward laugh, Will and Elizabeth's embarrassed ones following it. Well, it was her fault, talking about dreams and such in mixed company. "You could pass for quite the gentleman, Mr. Turner, if you had a wig to top it all off. Get it? 'Top' off? A wig goes on top of your…ahem. Come along, Elizabeth."

"Good day, Mr. Turner…prick," she said with pursed lips and accusing eyebrows and marched out of the mansion into their carriage. Will watched them go farther and farther out of his reach…just like she was.

"Good day…Elizabeth," he whispered.


	3. The Greatest Entrance in Cinema Scene

Not far from Port Royal's pier, a lone stranger stood on the mast of his modest boat, his confident, feral eyes gazing out on the horizon. The trinkets amassed in his hair rattled against each other in response to the subtle breeze. Leaping down onto the deck with a feline grace, he began bailing the water out of his sinking boat. Good thing, too, because the narration was starting to slip into purple prose, he thought. Anamaria's Used Ship Lot always had nothing but lemons. Oh well, at least by commandeering it, it had been a free lemon. Nothing like the _Pearl. _The thought of her back under his feet, her helm in his capable hands made him forget he had the evermore pertinent task of locating a key and chest, but the good people of Port Royal didn't need to know that yet.

The boat sank lower and lower until he could step right onto the dock and forget about the utterly forgettable boat that was little more than a dinghy.

"Hold up there, you!" he heard, the harbormaster calling to him, a wiry figure with glasses and a small boy next to him that nobody was politically incorrect enough to say was his slave. "It's a shilling to tie your boat at the dock…never mind it can't really be tied in the condition it's in. I shall also need your name."

The man, clad in a hat, coat, and tattoos that all but screamed "pirate," handed him some coins. "What do ye say to three shillings, and we forget the name?"

"Welcome to Port Royal, Mr. Smith."

Shouldn't leave one's purse so out in the open, he thought, nabbing it before anyone could notice it was ever there in the first place. Now, all he needed was a ship. Well, that wasn't all he needed, but all of that could wait until Tortuga. Ah, there was one, a spry, freshly repainted wonder off by itself. Trotting downhill, he headed straight for it.

"Hey! This dock is off limits to civilians!" a uniformed sentry said with a chin to rival Jay Leno's.

"I'm terribly sorry. I didn't know. If I see one, I shall inform you immediately." They blocked him with their bayonets. All right…new tactic. "Apparently there's some sort of high-toned and fancy to-do up at the fort, eh? How could it be that two upstanding gentlemen as yourselves did not merit an invitation?"

"Someone has to make sure this dock stays off limits to civilians," the beady-eyed one answered.

"It's a fine goal to be sure, but it seems to me that a ship like that," he said, pointing to the one he knew to be famed pirate hunter James Norrington's _Dauntless. _"A ship like that makes this one here seem a bit superfluous, really."

"Well, no ship can match the _Interceptor _for speed," Jay Leno said again.

"I've heard of one, supposed to be very fast, nigh un-catchable—the _Black Pearl._" They laughed. Laughed? Laughing at the _Pearl? _If something fun didn't happen in the next ten minutes, he was going to regret this little stop at Port Royal.

"There's no real ship as can match the _Interceptor_," Beady said.

"_Who_."

"The _Interceptor._"

"No, no. _Who _could match the _Interceptor_."

"I just told you."

The pirate grinned, feeling he had stepped on a comic gold mine.

"_Who _can match the _Interceptor. _I daresay _What _cannot, but I don't know about _I Don't Know."_

"What?"

"No, _What _can't match the _Interceptor."_

"Who can't?"

"_Who _can."

"So there are other ships that can match the _Interceptor_?"

"_Tomorrow._"

"No, tell me now! Who can match the _Interceptor_?"

"I just told you."

"Told me what?"

As much as he wanted to stay and listen to the rest of the routine, opportunity was knocking and the knock came from the ship behind them. Just as both his hands gripped the spokes of the helm, they hustled for him.

"You don't have permission to be aboard there, mate!"

"I'm sorry," he tried to say sincerely. "It's just such a pretty boat…ship."

"What's your name?"

"Smith, or Smithy if ye like."

"What's your purpose here, Mr. Smith?"

"I don't think that's his real name," Beady whispered to Leno.

"Quiet, you."

"Well, it is my intention to commandeer one of these ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage, plunder, and otherwise pilfer my weasely black guts out!" He so often told the truth, yet people were often surprised.

"That can't be the truth."

"The _Truth _is one that could match the Interceptor," Leno remarked.

"Let's not do that again."

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**A/N: Murtogg and Mullroy's exchange here pays homage to Abbot and Costello's "Who's on First" bit. Thanks for all your reviews!**


	4. The Scene Showing Repression at its Best

On the battlements of the fort, Elizabeth fanned herself, her vision dulling by the minute. She clutched one of the columns, grateful for a bit of shade.

"May I have a moment?" Norrington asked her chest.

Bloody hell, man, my eyes are up here, she thought, but could only nod weakly. She followed him to the edge of the fort, steadying herself against the platform, inhaling as much air as she could, the sun blaring down on her. Think of something, focus, she told herself, wondering just how much brocade went into the standard naval uniform. Good God, the man looked like an ice cream cone. Mmm…ice cream. Anything cold. Anything wet. Wet. Bet. Debt. Get. Let. Met. Hee hee. Rhymes. She was a poet and didn't know it.

"You look lovely, Elizabeth."

Famous last words, she tried to chuckle. And let it read on my tombstone, "at least she kept up with the latest London fashions."

"I, er, apologize if I seem forward, but I must speak my mind. This promotion throws into sharp relief that which I have not yet achieved—a marriage to a fine woman. You have become a fine woman, Elizabeth, as I always knew you would. We're only about ten, fifteen years apart, so now it won't be looked on as weird if I married you."

"I can't breathe," she gasped, unable to tell if her eyes were opened or closed. The partition she had her back against seemed to fade from her sensations.

"Yes, I, I'm a bit nervous myself."

His voice sounded like a Led Zeppelin song played backwards. That was her last coherent thought as she plummeted into the waters below, narrowly missing the jagged rocks.


	5. The Scene That Launched a Thousand Ships

"…and then Megatron came to life and demanded the Cube, with only Sam and Optimus Prime standing in his way," the pirate finished just as he heard a sudden splash not far away from the ship.

"Elizabeth!" someone shouted from the fort. "My God!"

Well, he cracked his knuckles. Time to be debonair.

"Will you be saving her then?" he asked Leno and Beady.

"I can't swim," Beady said, Leno shaking his head.

"Pride of the King's navy you are," he said, already removing his coat and handing off his pistol. Just like the coach taught you, he reminded himself, bracing himself for an unintended belly flop, but this time, his form was perfect.

"I give it a 9.8," he heard Leno say before he hit the water.

"You're always so critical. This is why we could never get together," Beady snapped.

The next thing the two of them knew, the pirate's head cut through to the surface of the water, a girl strewn over his shoulder. They sank back under.

"What should we do?" Beady asked.

"Just start running. It'll look like we assisted." They started running down the pier.

"But we're dry!"

"It'll still look like we helped."

The stranger bobbed back up, the girl still in his arms, this time in nothing but her undergarments. They reached down to pull the two of them up onto the dock, but the man refused to leave her, setting her down with all the care a pearl diver gave to his treasure.

"She's not breathing," Leno cried, flailing his arms and hopping from foot to foot.

"Get a hold of yourself!" Beady slapped him across the face.

"Move." The man shoved past them and cut the girl's corset. Its sides splayed out next to the girl, unfurling like an angel's wings. Her eyes bulged open and she coughed out a heap of seawater. Alive.

"I never would have thought of that," Beady sighed.

"Clearly you've never been to Singapore," the man said before seeing to her. Before he could say, "Nice guppies" or shellac a little more charm and ask, "Doing anything tonight?" he spotted something shiny. Her large brown eyes met his, questioning.

"Where did you get that?"

Before she could answer, Norrington ran down to them, his sword drawn and pointed right at the man, her rescuer's, chin.

"On your feet. This one's been mine since she was twelve," he said.

"Elizabeth, are you all right?" Governor Swann helped her to her feet and threw a blanket over her shoulders. He looked her up and down and then saw her corset lay opened and damaged on the pier. He stepped over to the only other person on the deck who looked waterlogged and pulled his pepper spray from his pocket in a ninja pose. "Back! Back, you horrid pervert! The power of the pepper spray compels you. Why does he not fear my pepper spray?"

"Father, he's not a vampire," Elizabeth said, rolling her eyes. Although that would be damn sexy. Bad enough he was probably a pirate…a soaking wet pirate…

"I agree." Norrington stepped forward. "Since he appears human, I believe thanks are in order." He extended his hand towards him for a shake.

"Well, all right, since this doesn't seem to be a trick…hey!" the man balked when Norrington pushed up his sleeve, revealing the infamous brand all pirates received. "Had a brush with the East India Trading Company, did we, pirate?"

I knew it, Elizabeth thought. Soaking wet pirate and she in her underwear. It was like hitting the Lottery.

"Hang him!" Governor Swann ordered.

"Gillette Razor, fetch some irons." Norrington noticed the tattoo of a bird flying off into a sunset just above the brand. "Well, well, Jack Sparrow, isn't it?"

"Captain Jack Sparrow, if ye please, sir."

"Well I don't see your ship, Captain. I also happened to notice you're without any brocade." He dusted off his own on his coat. A few of the more sycophantic men laughed at the response in spite of the fact they were too far back in the background to really hear what was happening.

"These are all his, sir." Beady handed over Jack's effects. "He entrusted them to us when he did the only selfless act anyone in this entire movie will do, regardless of the fact the loser suitor and the comic relief, although still sympathetic characters, would like to see him dead."

"Hmm, no additional shots nor powder…a compass that doesn't point north…"

"I'm going to need that later!" Jack snapped, reaching for it. "And why is it pointing to me?" He gave the Commodore a worried look and jumped back.

Unsheathing the sword among the effects, Norrington smirked. "And I half expected it to be made of wood. You are without a doubt the worst pirate I've ever heard of."

"But you have heard of me," he countered, the soldiers shackling him.

"Commodore, I really must protest!" Elizabeth shouted, wedging herself between Norrington and Jack. "Pirate or not, this man saved my life, and with flair, too!"

"One good deed is not enough to redeem a man of a lifetime of wickedness, flair or no flair." Norrington shook his head.

"Though it seems enough to condemn him, flair or no flair," Jack muttered. Gillette Razor moved away from him for a split second. "Finally." With cat-like agility, Jack Sparrow threw his irons over Elizabeth's neck, the crowd gasping for dramatic effect. Governor Swann looked down at his pepper spray and dropped it to the ground in disgust. Ineffectual trash!

"Commodore Norrington, my effects please…and my hat. Commodore!" Jack waited for them to be brought down and laid at his and the lady's feet. "It is Elizabeth, isn't it?"

"It can be anything you want it to be so long as there's bondage involved."

Feeling he wouldn't be into any kind of bondage ideas this particular girl had, he spun her around and lifted his chains off of her, only to point his pistol right at the side of her head. "Miss Swann, if you'd be so kind." He gestured down to his effects. "Come, come, dear. We don't have all day."

Dressing him, hat first, she sneered the entire time, her little pout eliciting a grin from him.

"Easy on the goods, darling. Touching like that may make me change my mind."

"If it's the last thing I do, I'm going to seduce you," she growled at him.

"That'd be win/win. Once you go Jack, you don't go back." Turning her again, he began walking backwards towards the streets. "Gentlemen, m'lady, you will always remember this as the day you ALMOST caught Captain Jack Sparrow." He hurled her forward into the soldiers and ran off into the distance.

"I got to touch her! Ahem, open fire!" Norrington coughed out, the shots of gunfire ringing his ears. She was still damp, too. But…it was like she was damaged goods now. "Mr. Sparrow has an appointment with the gallows. I would hate for him to miss it."

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**A/N: Don't own nothin'**


	6. The Swords and Stunts Extravaganza Scene

Jack stumbled past the soldiers who saw fit to attempt even a manhunt in formation into a blacksmith's shop. Its exterior and interior both stood out from the rest of the buildings that looked like set pieces, he observed, to the point that the story could almost be called _Blacksmiths of Port Royal _rather than _Pirates of the Caribbean. _But the important thing right now was to remove these chains. In a spurt of stupidity…probably because he was still thinking with his other head…he tried a hammer to free him from the shackles. Next, he tried the red hot end of a metal rod to spur the donkey in the shop. It pulled, turning two enormous cogs that just so happened to have the chain in between them.

Yes, I am the smartest guy around, Jack confirmed, smiling at his success. Just about to gather up his effects and continue being on the lam in a village that was pretty Podunk for Colonial times, he heard the door unlock.

Will entered and ran to the donkey.

"Sprinkles! You look like you had a date with a red hot metal rod! Something's wrong here. Let's see." He pulled out his "When to Suspect a Pirate May Be Lurking" checklist.

"Drunken boss is passed out in corner…check. Tools are right where I left them…not check. Oh my, a hat lying out. That's not part of the checklist at all." Drawing his sword, he approached it, only to be blocked by a blade.

"Step away from the hat."

"You…you're the one they're hunting. The pirate! Fuck, shit, damn." He twitched.

"That was awfully fast. How did you even hear about that?"

"Oh, please. There are about twenty people total in this town. Word travels fast."

"You look familiar. Have I threatened you before?"

"I make it a point to avoid familiarity with pirates," Will snapped, meeting the pirate's blade with his own.

"You really want to do this, kid, cross blades with a pirate?"

"You threatened Miss Swann."

"But not with my sword," he countered with a smirk and took the offensive, parrying with the young blacksmith. "You know what you're doing, I'll give you that. Excellent form." But it was a little too by-the-book for Jack's taste. Managing to step out of the fight, he strolled right to the door, only to have Will's sword fly right past him and bar the exit. Will drew a sword with a heated tip and prepared himself for a fight.

"I'm flaming!" he announced as one final warning.

"Oh, I'm shaking in my sexy pirate boots." They sparred all around the shop, the haze and straw would have reminded them of _The Mask of Zorro _but neither one really wanted to be the other's Catherine Zeta Jones. Besides, there were also a lot of swords around.

"Who makes all these?" Jack asked, dodging a swing.

"I do! And I practice with them three hours a day!"

Jack didn't want to take the cheap shot that offered, so they continued to fight all the way up to the rafters, a mild curse thrown in here and there. The boy had to be a eunuch, had to be. Starting to tire, Jack felt his sword fly out of his hand. In one fluid motion, he took a sandbag and flung the contents into Will's face, giving him just enough time to pull his pistol on him.

"You cheated. Ass. Bastard. Shit!"

"You left out pirate," Jack said with a shrug. "Now, move away."

"No. Maybe I have a death wish. We'll see as this series plays out."

"And maybe you're not worth my shot. Now move!" Cocking the pistol, he crashed to the ground just as the soldiers broke down the door. Mr. Brown stood over him in a daze, an empty rum bottle in his hand.

"Excellent work, Mr. Brown," Commodore Norrington said, pushing his way through his human shields, er, soldiers, and patting the drunkard on the back. "You've assisted in capturing a dangerous fugitive."

"Fugitive?" Mr Brown gawked. "But the Fugitive didn't do it! The one-armed man did."

Foolish drunk talk, Will thought to himself as they dragged Jack away. He was used to never getting the credit. Oh well. At least being a hundred percent clear of alcohol was something he and Sprinkles had in common.

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**A/N: Oh dear, time to list all the things I don't own...I don't own Zorro or _The Fugitive _or any cool movie franchise. Reviews would sure make me feel better about that fact.**


	7. The Bird Adjusting to His Cage Scene

The jail wasn't so bad, Jack thought, the brim of his hat pulled down over his eyes. There was a golden hue to it, his dad's dog nearby for a familiar face. A lone prisoner in black and white stripes buzzed out a few chords on a harmonica.

"Got a whale of a tale to tell ya, lads/a whale of a tale or two/'bout the flappin' fish and the girls I…"

"…you do one more bar of that ditty and we'll be sued for sure," Jack said.

"Well, excuse us if we haven't resigned ourselves to the gallows yet!" one of them retorted.

Jack gave his sexiest grin, leaning his head back and humming the song to himself. He never liked that story—a ship that traveled underwater, Kirk Douglas thinking he could sing, James Mason's lisp, squid. He especially hated squid.

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**A/N: Before Disney sues me, the song is from _20,000 Leagues Under the Sea _and if you haven't heard it, I suggest you do because it's very catchy and has that old timey sea shanty rhythm.**


	8. The Scene That Has TWO Women TWO!

After a gratuitous, unnecessary nude scene of Elizabeth showering zestfully, the scene cut to her being tucked in, fully clothed and catching up on some reading of her pirate edition of _Playgirl. _Let's see, there was Bartholomew Roberts as a cowboy, Henry Morgan as a biker, Blackbeard as a shirtless Indian chief. This is more like a homage to the Village People, she huffed, stowing the magazine under her mattress.

"Here we are, miss," Estrella said, slipping a bed warmer in between the sheets. "It must have been a difficult day for you."

"Well, I suspected Commodore Norrington would propose for some time now, but I must admit, after eight years, it still came as a shock. I always thought he would have done it two years ago once I was legal."

"I meant you being threatened by that pirate, sounds terrifying."

"Oh, well, if you mean heart-racing and breathtaking, yes, I suppose it was terrifying."

"But you make it sound so exciting! Oh, nothing ever happens to me," Estrella moaned. Soon, soon, she would have enough shillings to buy some arsenic from the apothecary and mix it into Miss Swann's tea. Yes, she interlocked her fingers. Her father was so dense there would not be any difficulty at all in dumping the body and assuming the persona of Elizabeth Swann. Talk about breathtaking, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! To avoid suspicion, she added, "But the Commodore proposed. Fancy that. That's a smart match, miss, if it's not too bold to say."

"It is a smart match," Elizabeth sighed. "He's a fine man if you ignore the fact that he was more concerned about capturing a pirate than my general wellbeing. You have a murderous gleam in your eye, Estrella, was there something you wanted to say?"

"Oh! Murderous gleam, what nonsense! You are a fanciful one, Miss Swann! Goodnight."

Soon. Yes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

* * *

**A/N: I do not own POTC. Please leave a review!**


	9. The Scene with no Homoerotic Undertones

On top of the fort, Norrington and Governor Swann decided to take a moonlit stroll. After locking Jack Sparrow up in the jail, the two decided to celebrate with some touch-football (American football because the Revolution is only decades away! Woot woot!). They had slapped each other with their towels in the locker room and decided to end the day with a romantic walk.

"Has my daughter given you an answer yet?"

"You never tire of whoring her out, do you, sir? No, she hasn't."

"Well, after a near death experience, we'll give her some time. I'll wake her up and demand one out of her when I get home tonight. Ghastly weather, don't you think?"

"Bleak, very bleak," Norrington said, wondering if the whores in Tortuga were awakened in the middle of the night by their sugar daddies. If Elizabeth's life was no better than that, he might just have to steal her away and elope with her. There was a sudden boom out in the distance.

"What was that?" Governor Swann asked. "Norrington, say excuse me next time!"

Norrington ignored the puerile fart joke and held his hand up to his ear. "Cannon fire! Even though when they're attached to a ship they're called guns and not cannons! Hit the deck!" Tackling the Governor, he shouted, "Return fire!"

"I say, this is why we played TOUCH-football earlier, Commodore. I think you broke one of my ribs!"


	10. The Black Pearl's Vague Reputation Scene

Not far away, Jack also heard the "cannon fire" and, recognizing the sound like it was his mother's voice or a champagne bottle being uncorked, he leapt up to look out the window. There she was, his _Pearl, _tattered and filled to the brim with mooks, but still his _Pearl._

"That's the _Black Pearl_," the harmonica player told the rest. "I've heard stories. She's been tormenting settlers for the last ten years! Never leaves any survivors."

"That tastes like a plot hole, mate," Jack said. Answered with only confused eyes, he dumbed down his response. "Where do the stories come from if there are no survivors? This really is jail. I'm surrounded by idiots."

"He's surrounded by idiots/that much is true," the harmonica player crooned between a clichéd blues riff. "That's why he's got/Port Royal Jail Blues!"


	11. The Scene Characterizing Will's Nobility

After taking Sprinkles to Ye Olde Veterinarian, Will pounded a hammer onto an anvil because that's what blacksmiths do. What a horrid day it had been, acting like a total tool in front of Miss Swann...Elizabeth, he corrected himself, and then having that pirate break into the shop. He glared over at Mr. Brown, passed out drunk with a honey pot stuck over his head. Stupid fool always marked the pots "hunny." Norrington showed his gratitude to Mr. Brown by announcing a parade would be held in his honor up at the fort once the pirate was hanged. Nothing says heroism and family entertainment like watching a man's neck snap and then watching the giant Smurf balloon be carried by.

Suddenly, the wind blew with a terrible rage, accompanied by a repetetive firing that sounded like it came from the pier. Will ran to the window and threw up the sash.

Outside, the villagers scattered in terror, most of them not knowing what to do in the event of a pirate raid even though those were pretty common in this time period. Will knew what to do, though. Armed with a hammer, he held his breath, let out a fierce swear, and started hacking away at the disheveled crew like they were part of _Night of the Living Dead._

He'd soon find out just how true that was.

* * *

**A/N: I apologize for the length. There was no way to make this short scene longer. There are a few references here. I obviously do not own Winnie-the-Pooh, nor do I think Pooh Bear is a drunkard...however both he and Mr. Brown appear to be of very little brain. Hmm. I don't know if the Macy's Parade has a Smurf balloon, but if it doesn't, it should. Not my show growing up. I was more into _Jem, GI Joe, _and _Ducktales. _Finally, I don't own _Night of the Living Dead._**


	12. The Standard Damsel in Distress Scene

The Governor's mansion was not immune to the ensuing chaos. Elizabeth ran down the staircase. Damn Father for hiring a sleepwalking butler, she thought, watching Butler Number One amble to the door. Don't, was what she wanted to cry, but she heard there could be disastrous results if one wakened a sleepwalker. Oh why hadn't they opted for the narcoleptic butler instead? He could be dozing off to the side and out of trouble right now.

"Don't!" To hell with the consequences! Throw caution to the wind! Live on selfish impulse! Carpe Diem!

"Hello, chum," a rough, stocky fellow said on the porch, shooting Butler Number One right in the face. "Up there! Girl!"

"Are you sure it's not a bird or a plane?" his friend asked, a lanky, oily man with a wooden eye. Elizabeth ran off.

"She's definitely faster than a speeding bullet, though."

Elizabeth slammed the door behind her, taking Estrella by the shoulders.

"Oh why did I want to poison you? Why? Why? Why?" Her maid paced, wringing her hands. Poor thing, Elizabeth thought, delirious with fear.

"Estrella! They haven't seen you! There's still a chance for you to hide and then run to the fort the first chance you get!"

"You mean I can still be a super-villain? Oh, I so could! I've had this great idea about getting a really large laser and… Oh, yes, miss, right away, miss. You do know they're here to kidnap you, right? But now I must fly! Estrella awaaaayyyyy!"

Before she could ask anything, Estrella belted out a menacing laugh and disappeared into the night with her apron tied around her like a cape. Bizarre twit, she thought. They must be coming for me because I'm so important. Grabbing the bed warmer, she swung it at the tall one, giving her just enough time to slide down the banister.

"Wheeeeee!" she squealed, savoring a bit of fun before bolting for the dining room. If only there was a weapon here appropriate to fight a pirate with... of course. Reaching up for the wall decoration, she gripped the handle of one of its swords. I've always wanted to do this, she thought, only to have the entire decoration thud to the floor. Shaking it like a maraca, Elizabeth heard the doorknob turn. She threw open the door of the gigantic closet that no dining room has but theirs and stayed as quiet as she could.

Through the slats in the doors, she watched the duo enter.

"We know you're here, Muppet! Come out, and we promise not to hurt you."

"Hee hee, Muppet."

"You have something of ours. The gold calls to us."

"Hee hee, calls."

"Will you shut up?"

"Hee hee, up."

The gold? Her fingers wove around the medallion still hanging between her breasts. Wow, this is a pretty effective MacGuffin, she thought, before jumping at the jaundiced eyes staring at her through the slats.

"Hello, Muppet."

"Parley!" she screamed when they flung open the doors. "I invoke the right of parley. According to the Code of the brethren, set down by the pirates Morgan and Bartholomew, you have to take me to your Captain, a nice, soaked Captain, if I may have a preference."

"I know the Code!" the stocky one snapped.

"If an adversary demands parley you can do them no harm until the parley is complete. My goodness, I had expected pirates to be as a whole a more attractive group and right now I'm 1 for 3. Oops, I said that out loud. You don't still want to hurt me, do you? Remember I parleyed!"

"Well, then we shall take you to our Captain," they said, giving each other knowing looks. Seizing her, they half-dragged, half-carried her down the chaos-ravaged streets. Ravage. That word again.

"Elizabeth!" She jerked at the sight of Will with a hammer running towards her. She'd had a nightmare of this happening once, only Will was Leatherface and the hammer was a chainsaw...actually, this was nowhere near that nightmare.

"Will, no! They'll steal the buckles right off your shoes!"

Fortunately, or not so fortunately, depending on your point of view, one of the more flamboyant and sadistic pirates whacked him on the head with a goblet, the size of which is only now seen in hip-hop videos, causing Will to slump to the ground.

Wow, Elizabeth thought, disillusioned. Twenty minutes in and he's already fainted twice. That has to be some kind of record. Poor Elizabeth had not yet seen _Sleepy Hollow. _

* * *

**A/N: Okay (cracks knuckles) things I don't own. POTC, of course. There are a few _Superman _references here that don't belong to me. I also do not own the Muppets or _The Texas Chainsaw Massacre _or _Sleepy Hollow_.**


	13. The Movie Has Supernatural Themes Scene

Well, back to the star of the show. When last we left Jack, he was sitting in a cell doing virtually nothing. Now, a hole is blown into the cell next to him. The other prisoners rushed out, squeezing their way through the hole. Alone, Jack started whistling for his dad's dog.

"Come on, doggy. It's just you and me now. It's you and ol' Jack. Come on, good boy." The dog scooted closer to the cell, a metal ring of keys in his mouth. Come to think of it, his dad looked exactly like that after his opium stupors, panting around holding things in his mouth. But Jack didn't want to think about his dad right now. "Come on, you filthy, slimy, mangy cur." With that, the dog darted away.

"This ain't the armory." Jack pressed his head between the bars to see two familiar pirates slit the guard's throat and take in their new surroundings. Bugger. Old friends, Jack's least favorite kind.

"Well, well, well, look what we have here. Captain Jack Sparrow."

"Last time I saw you," the other one said, "you were all alone on a godforsaken island, shrinking into the distance. His fortunes aren't much improved."

Here in Podunk, Caribbean, them's fighting words, Jack thought. "Worry about your own fortunes, gentlemen. The deepest circle of hell is reserved for betrayers and mutineers." He'd kill them himself if it weren't for these bars…or not, considering their hands on his throat were reduced to a skeletal mess. "So you are cursed. That's interesting."

"You know nothing of hell, or curses, or how to inform the right people of your brilliant schemes so they don't end up backfiring on you," one said with great anguish before departing.

"That's very interesting," Jack said to himself, the gears in his head turning. "I feel a brilliant scheme coming on…"


	14. The OMG It's GEOFFREY RUSH Scene

The pirates pulled Elizabeth onto the deck of the ship, the jet black one with the figurehead of a woman with a bird perched on her hand. So much for that day not haunting me forever, she thought, setting her jaw.

"I didn't know we was takin' on captives," Michael Clarke Duncan's pierced clone said in a low bass.

"She's invoked the right of parley with Captain Barbossa," the stocky fellow said. "Oh, and I'm Pintel and he's Ragetti."

"I am here to negotiate…" The bo'sun's slap sent her reeling backwards, her hand flying to her reddened cheek.

"All explanations on the _Black Pearl _are done in song!"

"In song?" she repeated, her jaw aching.

"In song," a pocked, middle-aged man in a large hat came forward, a monkey on his shoulder.

"Ahem," she cleared her throat. "I feel taken/oh so taken/I feel taken and shaken and ow!/And I'm achin' from the slap I received just now…"

"La la la la la la la la la la," the crew sang.

"You must leave/go and leave/I'm peeved you won't leave right now/I believe if you don't, you'll be screwed, and how!"

"Ah, well," Barbossa said, talking over the thunderous applause. "I don't think we'll be doin' that."

"That wasn't in song!" she remarked.

"Do you know how long this would take to write if truly all explanations were done in song?"

"Very well." She crossed to the railing of the ship and held the medallion over the side. "I'll drop it. Of course, you could still probably get to it since it's much lighter than I am and I got pulled out of the water today, but still! It would terribly inconvenient for you and the water's slightly chilly. I hope your crew likes nipples."

"Me holds are burstin' with swag. That bit of shine matters to us why?"

"It's what you've been searching for! I recognize this ship. I saw it eight years ago coming from England. But, I suppose, if it really is worthless…" She lowered the medallion and smirked at the pirates lunging forward. "See? You can't pull a fast one on me. I went to finishing school. They beat your hands with rulers for pulling fast ones."

"Ye have a name, missy?" Barbossa chuckled.

Estrella, she thought about saying since the bitch had planned to kill her. God, she hated people who killed other people. Glad she wasn't one.

"Elizabeth Turner. I'm a maid in the Governor's household." She bent her knee to form a small curtsy.

"Miss Turner?" He said it more to the crew than to her, which she took as a bad sign. "Very well, you hand it over and we'll put your town to our rudder and never return. Lovely singing voice, by the way."

She dropped the medallion into his hand. His eyes closed, wallowing in the moment.

"Our bargain?"

"Still the guns and stow 'em! More generic nautical terms!" The crew scrambled to work, casting off. Casting off! But she had plans tomorrow!

"Wait! You have to take me to shore!" She followed him. "According to the Code…"

"First, your return to shore was not part of our negotiations, nor our agreement, so I must do nothing. And secondly, you must be a pirate for the pirate's Code to apply and you're not. And thirdly, the Code is more what you'd call guidelines, than actual rules. Welcome aboard the _Black Pearl_, Miss Turner!"

* * *

**A/N: Elizabeth's song is to the tune of _West Side Story_'s "I Feel Pretty." I wanted to do the whole scene in song but just don't have that kind of talent...or patience.**


	15. The Male Rivals Pound Their Chests Scene

Fuck, fuck, bastard, damn, ass! Will ran to the fort.

"They've taken her! They've taken Elizabeth!"

"Mr. Leno, remove this man," Norrington said, disinterestedly. He and the others poured over a long series of charts splayed out on a table t hat had been brought outside. Predictably, a powerful gust of Caibbean wind uprooted their work and splattered the charts against the stone walls. Scrambling for them and cursing at himself for not undertaking such an important strategy indoors, Norrington's flashed red at Will. "And shoot him if you get one of your whims."

"We have to hunt them down. We must save her. Aren't you people impressed I finally am calling her by her first name? Fuck it to hell, I've known her for eight years! This is a breakthrough for my character development!"

His rant was interrupted by a quick shot of Governor Swann's pepper spray.

"My eyes!"

"Unless you have any information concerning my daughter, away with you!"

"Now, I don't know why I've waited until now to mention it," Beady said, "but that Jack Sparrow fella, he talked about the _Black Pearl."_

"Mentioned it, is more what he did."

"Ask him where it is," Will demanded, still rubbing his eyes, his vision a blur. "Make a deal with him. Haven't you heard of immunity? Governments do it all the time! He could lead us right to it. Come on! Let's play God!"

"The pirates who invaded the fort left Sparrow locked in his cell, ergo they are not his allies," Norrington heaved a heavy sigh, wondering if anyone else knew what ergo meant. "We will establish their most likely course. Considering we know nothing about them, that's going to be a very tasking…er, task. Your daughter's probably dead already anyway. Shall I give her the benefit of the doubt and address her as Mrs. Norrington at the eulogy?"

"Damn. Shit. Bitch. That's not good enough!" Will cried, hammering the table.

"Mr. Turner, you are not a military man; you are not a sailor. You are a blacksmith and a poor boy, therefore, the underdog of this film and we all know in films the underdog never amounts to anything. Now I'm not exactly an alpha male, but do not make the mistake of thinking you are the only man here who cares for Elizabeth."

"Then listen to my plan and break the rules," Will pleaded.

"Talk to the wig."

* * *

**A/N: Once again, own nothing, but love reviews!**


	16. The Scene Where the Guys Start Pirating

"You. Sparrow!" Will called down the corridor of the jail. He stopped at the last cell, which strangely, was the only one with anyone in it. The faint odors of mildew and excrement permeated throughout the long corridor. Glancing down, he found the pirate extending his arms and legs back and forth, creating a straw-angel in the straw-covered floor. "You know that ship, the _Black Pearl_?"

"In the Biblical sense?"

"The what? No, just…where does it make berth?"

"Where does it make berth?" Jack repeated with an incredulous expression. "Have you not heard the stories? CAPTAIN Barbossa and his crew of miscreants sail from the dreaded Isla de Muerta. It's an island that cannot be found except by those who already know where it is."

"You have to be more helpful than that! They took Miss Swann."

"Oh, that's right. Twenty people in the town. Everyone knows everyone…well, if you're intending to brave all, hasten to her rescue, and so win fair lady's heart, this will just be a conventional pirate movie and I have higher expectations than that. What's in it for me?"

"I can get you out of here," he promised. "I helped build these cells. I've built everything in this town. There are only…"

"…I know, I know, twenty people."

"Right. These are half pin-barrel hinges." He picked up a bench and placed it at the bottom of the cell door. "With the right leverage and the proper application of strength, the door will lift free." Springing a pirate from jail, he thought to himself. He never thought he'd see the day when he'd be doing that. If it were Elizabeth, sure. He'd bust her out in a second if she wound up in jail, waiting to be hanged, not go gallivanting about on a wild goose chase…

"What's your degree in, physics? Got a name?"

"Will Turner."

Jack gave a short smile. Of course. The brilliant scheme was now clearly paved out in his mind. "Short for William, eh? Named for your father?" That's it, Jack, he said to himself, bombard the kid with strange questions. Arouse his suspicions. "Mr. Turner, if you spring me from this cell I swear on pain of death I shall take you to the _Black Pearl _and your bonny lass. Do we have an accord?"

Jack stuck his hand through the bars, but instead, Will looped his pinkie around his own and shook.

"A pinkie swear?" Rolling his eyes, Jack counted the seconds until he could get his hands on his effects.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far! I appreciate them so much! It's the next best thing to getting a Singing Jack Telegram at my door.**


	17. The Steal, Er, Commandeer Scene

"We're going to steal a ship? Wouldn't it be easier just to send smoke signals or something like that?" Standing at the edge of the last building before the pier, both had their eyes on the _Dauntless._

"Comandeer. We are going to commandeer that ship. Nautical term." He rolled his eyes. "One question, boy, or there's no use going. This girl…she's into pirates, right?"

"Sure."

"All right, well, this will be fun. Come on then."

They lifted a boat and waded into the water with it, using it as an air pocket.

"This is either madness or brilliance," Will muttered.

"It's remarkable how often those two traits coincide." They boarded the _Dauntless _without a fuss, Jack knowing full well this was not the ship they were going to commandeer, and didn't really care if he just gave away a spoiler or not.

"Everyone stay calm!" he announced. "We are taking over the ship."

"Aye! Avast!" Will drew his sword only to hear a chorus of laughter erupt. Jack could feel his coolness level dropping by the second.

"This ship cannot be crewed by two men. You'll never make it out of the bay," Gillette Razor laughed.

"Son," Jack said, pointing his pistol at him. "I'm Captain Jack Sparrow. Savvy?"

Not too far away, Norrington was making sure all the works of Gilbert and Sullivan were loaded onto his iPod when Lieutenant/Commander/whatever the hell his purpose is Groves came running. "Commodore! They're taking the _Dauntless_! Sparrow and Turner!"

"Render me flaccid, will they? We'll take them out with the _Interceptor. _That is without a doubt the worst pirate I have ever seen."

"Here they come," Will said, back on the _Dauntless, _watching the _Interceptor _make her way toward them.

Norrington boarded the _Dauntless_ and scanned the deck. "Search every random nautical term," he said at the same time Jack and Will swung onto the _Interceptor_ and sailed away. He ran to the railing, too late to swing onto the ship himself.

"Thank you, Commodore, for getting us ready to make way. We'd have had a hard time of it by ourselves!" Jack called to him, Will behind him waving goodbye, spouting "Bon voyage" and "don't forget to write" and all the other clichés one spouts when his cruise ship departs.

"Damn," Norrington mumbled.

"Sir, you sounded like Mr. Turner just then."

"Never say those words again to me, Groves!" He backed him up to the bulkhead and drew back his arm, ready to punch him.

"Sir, should we open fire?"

"I'd rather see her at the bottom of the ocean than in the hands of a pirate," Norrington said.

"Sir, wouldn't that indicate you do want us to open fire?"

"Shut up!"

"That is without a doubt the best pirate I have ever seen," Groves said when Norrington released him, dusting off his uniform, much less brocaded than Norrington's.

* * *

**A/N: The last bit about "I'd rather see her at the bottom of the ocean than in the hands of a pirate" is based on my own confusion with the line. For years I thought James was talking about Elizabeth here. Only just two weeks ago did I find out he really meant the _Interceptor _itself. So I was always very confused about that line. **


	18. The Aw It's Like a Buddy Movie Scene

To pass the time, Will decided to test just how clever this Sparrow character really was.

"What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

"African or European?"

Damn. Shit. Fuck, he was good.

"All right, I have another one. At the jail, it was only after you learned my name that you agreed to help me. Since that's what I wanted, I didn't press the matter. I'm not a simpleton, Jack. You knew my father."

Jack's playful mood evaporated and he considered giving the boy a good mind-screw and tell him a dark Jedi named Darth Vader, a former pupil of his before turning to evil, betrayed and murdered his father, but he decided against it. The mentioning of good old Bootstrap just warranted more respect than that.

"I knew him, probably one of the few who knew him as William Turner. Everyone else just called him Bootstrap, or Bootstrap Bill. Good man, good pirate. I'd swear you look just like him, but with a sequel in the works, I don't want to lie to you. He looks more like a cross between Stellan Lotsofvowels and a coral reef."

"That's not true! He was a merchant sailor! He just never came home that much and when he did he would bring treasure chests and friends with pegged legs, but that doesn't mean he was a pirate!"

"He was a bloody pirate, a scallywag," Jack argued.

"That's a Civil War term. That proves you're lying. My father was not a pirate." He aimed his sword right for Jack's heart.

"Put it away, son. You'll find we all slip into the slang of different eras now and again, and it actually surfaced around Reconstruction, not the actual Civil War. I'd hate to kick your ass a second time."

"You didn't kick my ass! No one kicks my ass but me!" Will paused. "You ignored the rules of engagement. In a fair fight, I'd have killed you."

"Then that's not much incentive for me to fight fair then, is it?" He moved one of the sails so the yard caught Will and swung him out over the sea. "Now as long as you're just hanging there, pay attention. There is only what a man can do and what a man can't do. Like I can get your girlfriend all hot under the collar and you can't. You can accept your father was a pirate and a good, or you can't. Me, I don't really care. I can let you drown. But I can't bring this ship into Tortuga all by me one-sy, savvy? So…" He swung him back on board. "Do you know what the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow is?"

"I don't even know what unladen means," Will sighed. "Tortuga?"

"Tortuga."

* * *

**A/N: All right, lots of things I don't own here. The bit about the swallow is a Monty Python bit. I like to reference older comedy routines and movies if you didn't notice. I also don't own _Star Wars_, although I love that series, too. Definitely don't own POTC.**


	19. The Scene in Which the Plot Thickens

Don't worry. Elizabeth is fine. We're just getting a lot of exposition out of the way. Plus, Tortuga is entertaining. Will didn't much think so, watching the anarchy around him. It reminded him of a Disney World ride, but all he could do was just watch with wide, stunned eyes.

"It is indeed a sad life that has never breathed deep this sweet bouquet that is Tortuga. What do you think?"

"I'm sorry," Will said. "You sounded like you wanted to be alone with Tortuga."

"I describe a number of things lovingly, except you. Scarlett!" Jack swaggered over to a heavily made up, large-bosomed woman who promptly gave him a slap.

"Not sure I deserved that."

"You probably didn't describe her lovingly either," Will tried.

"Giselle," Jack said, still holding his cheek.

"Describing something lovingly that's not me! Cad!" She executed a strong slap.

"I may have deserved that."

After recovering Gibbs (yes, the very same Gibbs from the beginning, sans the Donald Duck hat) and forming something of a trio, our heroes entered a rowdy tavern. With antlers in all of the décor, it came as no shock at all that the barflies were all singing about just how wonderful someone named Gaston was and how crazy another man named Maurice was. Tortuga, Will shrugged, keeping a sharp eye as Jack had warned. After dodging three blonde bimbos who called him dreamy, he discovered he was close enough to listen to what Jack and Gibbs were discussing.

"Jack! It's a fool's errand. Why, you know better than me the tales of the _Black Pearl_," Gibbs coughed, guzzling down his pint of ale. "Barbossa ain't one to suffer fools, nor strike a bargain with one."

"Then I'd say it's a very good thing I'm not a fool then, eh?"

"Prove me wrong. You're squandering precious time that could be used to go after the key and chest of Davy Jones and instead you're after some ship, and on top of that you stopped over in Port Royal, which seems to be the only place in the Caribbean with any kind of judicial system in place! What makes you think Barbossa will give up his ship to you?"

"Let's just say it's a matter of leverage," Jack said cryptically, nodding at Will. "That is the child of Bootstrap Bill Turner, his only child. Savvy?"

"You mean that's a boy?"

Jack nodded solemnly. "I know. I thought he was a teenage girl at first, too."

"Is he now? Leverage, says you. I think I feel a change in the wind, says I. I'll find us a crew. There's bound to be some sailors on this rock crazy as you," Gibbs said with a wicked grin.

"One can only hope. Want to work on what we've been practicing?" He waited for Gibbs to nod before lifting his tankard. "Take what you can…"

"Give…to the needy?"

"No, think now. You had it before," Jack coaxed gently.

"Give…let me see here." He blinked several times. "Give nothing back! One more time now!"

"Take what you can…"

"Give nothing back!" They clinked their steins together and drained their drinks, leaving Will to wonder just what being leverage entailed.

* * *

**A/N: I do not own _Beauty and the Beast_ or POTC.**


	20. The Only Time Exposition is Cool Scene

"You'll be dinin' with the Captain and he requests you wear this," Pintel barked at Elizabeth in the _Pearl's _cabin, handing a blood-colored wench dress to her.

"I feel enraged/oh so enraged," she sang with cold eyes. "I feel enraged, and caged, and mucked!/As for the Captain, he can gladly go be f…"

"We thought you might sing," Pintel said. "Captain said if that be the case, you'll be dinin' with the crew…naked as a songbird."

Elizabeth snatched the blood-colored wench dress without a second thought. Before she knew it, a table with all manner of delicacies and gourmet dishes was laid out in front of her, Barbossa eyeing her. Elizabeth knew from her adventure books that one could swallow keys or small pointy objects that could be used to pick locks with later, so she ate daintily, waiting for something useful to swallow. Yes, you heard it here first: Elizabeth Swann will swallow.

"There's no need to stand on ceremony, nor call to impress anyone. You must be hungry," Barbossa tempted her. Screw regurgitating, she thought, diving into her turkey leg. One of the earliest memories she had of her mother was when she was four and refused to eat anything on the table. When asked how the little piggies go, Elizabeth oinked and, at the urging of her mother to pretend the plate was her trough, dived face-first into her food. It was much that way now, only her father's leg lantern was nowhere around and she still hadn't received her BB gun.

"Try the wine," Barbossa offered. "And the apples, one of those next."

Crumbs and silverware fell onto her plate. He'd been leering at her!

"It's poisoned," she guessed. She had a bit of a pirate's nature in her, yes, but that shouldn't be cause for so many people to want to poison her! Oh, why hadn't she taken her father's pepper spray more seriously? Being kidnapped by pirates surprisingly gave her plenty of time to rue past decisions.

"Not at all. I just have a bit of an apple fetish. So, you just nibble on that there. Yes, that's it. And I'll be tellin' me story that will surely win me a Best Supporting Actor nomination. That pretty little medallion you had around your neck is Aztec gold, delivered to Cortez himself—blood money paid to stem the slaughter he wreaked upon the Aztecs with his armies."

"This isn't an episode of Sherman and Mr. Peabody," she said, holding her butter knife in her lap, hidden from view.

"Fine, I'll skip the history lesson. We took the gold and are cursed. There. Ye happy?"

"Cursed how?"

"Ah, NOW you want details. Impossible wench. We came to realize the drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust. We are cursed men, consumed by our own greed. The one way to end the curse is to return the gold and the blood repaid. And now, thanks to you, we have the final piece."

"Well, er, thanks, that was condensed," she said. "I thought for sure I saw some pirates seriously injured when you were raiding my hometown and doing traditional pillaging. Is there any truth to that?"

"Well, the important thing is ye know we can't die," Barbossa shrugged. "But we're not happy."

"I see. And the blood to be repaid?"

"Not the brightest fish in the sea, are ye?" Barbossa asked with an evil smile. "Apple?" Hurling out a Xena Warrior Princess cry, she drove the butter knife into his chest.

"A butter knife? What do you think this is, a G-rated _Raiders of the Lost Ark_?" He pulled it out and chased her out of the cabin onto the deck. The crew scrubbed the deck, hoisted the sails, did all their work—but as skeletons! Shrieking, she backed up to Barbossa.

"Look!" He urged her forward. "The moonlight shows us for what we really are. We are not among the living but neither are we dead. I feel nothing! Not the wind on my face nor the spray of the sea, nor the warmth of a woman's flesh." He walked out into the moonlight, his skin melting away to reveal a gray skeleton with no eyelids, the wine he guzzled pouring out over his ribs. "Ye best start believin' in ghost stories, Miss Turner. You're in one!"

Elizabeth ran back into the cabin and closed the door behind her, huddled behind it, horrified. None of them were soaking wet.

* * *

**A/N: Do not own _West Side Story_'s "I Feel Pretty," _A Christmas Story_, the characters Sherman and Mr. Peabody from the lovely and irreverent _The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle, _or _Raiders of the Lost Ark, _although I love that series. I was sincerely shocked that Geoffrey Rush was not nominated for all the hard work he put into Barbossa, but that joke is actually from the movie _Blazing Saddles. _Maybe someday the cast of POTC will win some much-awaited accolades.**


	21. The Reason Oars Are Bad Luck Scene

Able-bodied crew indeed, Will thought. Bitch! Hell! Ass! Gibbs went on and on about them like they were champions, masterful warriors. That Mr. Cotton even had his tongue cut out and had his parrot talk for him.

"Mr. Cotton's…parrot," Jack tried. "You're not just going to be shouting 'shiver me timbers' the whole way, are you?"

"Wind in the sails! Wind in the sails!"

"Who trained you how to talk if Mr. Cotton had his tongue ripped out of him?"

"Wind in the sails! Wind in the sails!"

Will and Jack shared a look, each one pondering if the possessed bird cut the tongue out himself. About to complain…again…Will shut his mouth when he saw Jack approach one of the crew with a reluctant look on his face.

"Anamaria, I might have known."

"Hey, folks! Anamaria from Anamaria's Used Ship Lot here, ready to tell you about the dozens of ships just waiting to belong to you! I'd sell you my best, but some staggering drunk named Jack Sparrow confiscated it from me!" she said all in one breath, a plastered smile revealing large white teeth. "I'll tell you what I'm gonna do for you because I like you—I'm going to take the blaggard's face half-off! Half-off! You can't find a deal better than that in this whole hemisphere, so come down and BUY BUY BUY!"

"Look," Jack stuttered, taken aback by the out-of-place sales pitch. "I'll replace your ship with that one there. What say you?"

Wind was most certainly in the sails as the crew cast off, a jaunty tune accompanying their work.

"I'm sailing away/Set an open course for the virgin sea/Cause I've got to be free/Free to face the life that's ahead of me/On board, I'm the captain, so climb aboard/We'll search for tomorrow on every shore/And I'll try, Oh Lord I'll try, to carry on," they sang, even with lightning striking nearby. The howling wind accompanied the ancient shanty.

"How can we sail to an island that nobody can find with a compass that doesn't work?" Will called over the wind, sharp raindrops piercing his eyelashes.

"Aye, the compass doesn't point north, but we're not tryin' to find north, are we?" Gibbs laughed. "We should drop canvas, sir."

"A gathering of angels appeared above my head/They sang to me this song of hope and this is what they said/They said come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me lads/Come sail away, come sail away/Come sail away with me/Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me baby/Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me," Jack sang, continuing the song.

"Jack!"

"What?"

"Why are you so happy?"

"We're catching up!" he said, brushing away the raindrops to check his compass.

By sunrise, they could see Isla de Muerta, an uneven, dark inlet with seven castaways waving their arms at them to be saved. The red shirted one looked untrustworthy, but the movie star looking one and the farmer's daughter looking one were salvageable.

"Shouldn't we pick them up?" Will asked.

"No," Gibbs said, shaking his head. "Them be the doomed castaways of the _Minnow. _It was just a three-hour tour, but the weather started getting rough and the tiny ship was tossed. There won't be goin' after any of them, not Gilligan, nor the Skipper, the millionaire and his wife, the movie star…"

"And the rest?"

"None."

"How is it Jack came by that compass?" he asked, spying Jack closing his compass with a loud click. "And how come I don't have one?" He stomped his foot.

"Not much is known about Jack Sparrow, least of all when he was the Captain of the _Black Pearl._"

"What? He failed to mention that."

"Well, he plays things closer to the vest now since his beloved ship was lost to him. Jack gave up the bearings to Isla de Muerta's treasure. That night there was a mutiny and before you could say, 'Singapore,' they marooned Jack out on an island and left him to die. Now, Will, when a man is marooned, he's given a pistol with a single shot. But Jack escaped and still has his one shot and he won't use it but on one man, his dreaded first mate."

"Barbossa," Will uttered and looked at the camera. "Everyone at home got all that? Now, wait a minute, how did Jack get off the island?"

"Well, I'll tell ye. See, he roped a couple of sea turtles and made a raft of 'em."

"Sea turtles?"

"Aye, sea turtles!"

"Bullshit," Will said. "What did he use for rope?"

"Ginger and Mary Ann's pubic hair," Jack interrupted. "Those bitches haven't shaved in years. Now Mr. Turner and I are to go ashore. Keep to the Code!"

"What Code?" Will was tiring of asking questions, but seeing as how he was the newbie, the lowest head on the totem pole, he decided to just go with it.

"Pirate's Code," Jack explained. "Any man what falls behind is left behind, and don't give me more shit about pirates. If you ask me, you're becoming downright annoying with all this holier-than-thou business. Springing men from jail, commandeering ships, obsessed with treasure. Now can you just stay quiet so I can use you…I mean, assist you?"

"Treasure?" Will balked. "I am NOT obsessed with treasure, just that pretty girl whose house I stand out in front of every night and have a shrine to in my workshop that I'm mighty glad you didn't see and…oh. Oh, God, I'm worse than that Edward Cullen guy!"

"I didn't really want to know all of that," Jack whispered, gesturing for him to climb up with him to see out. Surrounded by gold and jewels, Barbossa stood with Elizabeth in front of a massive chest, the medallion sparkling from her neck. What a long speech, Will thought, following a fly around with his eyes before regaining his focus.

"You might as well start on it," Elizabeth sneered at Barbossa. "I'm dying of boredom as it is."

"Fine!" Barbossa yelped at her, slitting her hand open and letting her blood drip down into the chest. Not feeling any different, he pulled out his pistol and shot at Pintel.

"He shot me!" was all he got. No. No, it wasn't possible. After all that careful planning of kidnapping the girl who just happened to have the medallion on her, not supplying her with a paternity test or anything, she just couldn't be the wrong person!

"What was your father's name? Was it William Turner?" He shook her.

"Don't feel much like singing now, do you?" she taunted. With that, Barbossa smacked her across the face, apparently with enough force to knock her out. Maybe the curse endowed him with super strength.

"Now I know this is difficult for you," Jack said, turning to Will, "but stay here and let me handle this."

"I don't think so. Taste oar, pirate!" Will whacked the side of his face with an oar. "I'm not going to be anyone's leverage, 'confident, feral eyes or not.' I'm beginning to think the narrator just has a crush on you." He slunk past the crew and found Elizabeth regaining consciousness. She grabbed the medallion and hurried off with him.

Meanwhile, the crew dispersed to search for the medallion. Jack set his jaw, trying to count his fingers to see if he had a concussion.

"You!" Ragetti blurted, finding him. "You're supposed to be dead."

"I'm not, but I may have to go to the hospital. Eight, nine, yes. Ten. Just like I knew I had. Okay, let's see…p-parumph, parsley, partner…"

"Parley?" Ragetti tried.

"That's it! Cleverness wins out over concussion. No hospital required!"

* * *

**A/N: I'd really reallllly like some reviews. I do not own the song _Sail Away_. I also do not own _Gilligan's Island_, although I wouldn't claim ownership if I did in fact own that shit. Lol. **


	22. The Unavoidable Willabeth Scene

Sturdy hands helped Will and Elizabeth board the _Interceptor_, the ogling eyes on her making her cringe. After all she'd been through, she had to look disgusting and they were thinking of her as an absolute babe? Wait a minute…if they thought she was a babe, and she was on a ship…

"More pirates?" she asked with a hopeful tone.

"Aye, welcome aboard, Miss Elizabeth."

"Mr. Gibbs?"

"Haven't seen ye in eight years and there's been somethin' on my mind all that time."

"What is it?"

"Did ye know that Norrington guy had a shrine to you in his cabin?"

"What? It better not be bigger than mine!" Will blurted, only to have Elizabeth glare at him. "I mean…let's go! Nautical terms!"

"But where's Jack?" Gibbs asked.

"Jack?" Elizabeth repeated. "Jack Sparrow? A soaking wet pirate that was too classy to be in my _Playgirl_…I mean, fancy that."

"He fell behind," Will said with a dull tone, taking Elizabeth by the arm and leading her below decks. Yes, it seemed cruel, leaving an unconscious man who offered his expertise and assistance in a cavern full of his enemies without any means of escape but…did Elizabeth say she horded _Playgirl _magazines? He considered bringing it up, but she busied herself bandaging her cut palm. Instead, he sat down and filled her in on the harrowing aspects of the rescue mission, then listened to her tell him of her trials.

"What sort of man trades a man's life for a ship?" she said in disgust which was actually budding fascination.

"A pirate. Here. Let me." He wrapped the bandage around her hand and found it much more satisfying than pounding metal or forging swords. "You said you gave Barbossa my name as yours. Why?"

"Do I have to spell it out for you, Will? I'm not going to break character and get all bashful and coy here in this one scene." She winced and pulled her hand back.

"Sorry," Will said. "Blacksmith's hands. They're rough."

"I've had better…I mean, worse. I mean…I'll settle."

Settle! He had the Latin translation of the word painted above his shrine, arching over it like a rainbow with little stick figures representing Elizabeth dancing, tumbling, riding a horse, and driving a chariot (you'd have to ask Will about that one) below it. He leaned forward, his lips ready to kiss her. She took his hand and pressed it to her collar bone. I think I could have found that on my own, Will thought, knowing there were other parts that were going to be more difficult to find and maneuver around once in them, but his fingers stopped on the medallion.

"It's yours," she said.

"I thought I'd lost it the day they rescued me."

"You know, I was the one who took care of you that whole day, so before you get all mad at me…"

"Why did you take it? It was a gift from my father," he snapped, standing.

"Because I was afraid you were a pirate. They would have hanged you. I'm sorry." Tears glistened in her eyes.

"It wasn't your blood they needed. It was my father's blood, my blood, the blood of a pirate."

"Well, jeez, Will, what did you THINK Jack meant by leverage?" she snorted, jumping at his pained stance. "I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

He slammed the medallion down on the table, prompting Elizabeth to rise up and climb the stairs up to the deck.

* * *

**A/N: Pearlseed actually had a fun interpretation of this scene in which Will is more angry that Elizabeth has showed her pirate side to him in this scene by admitting she stole the medallion from him than having the truth about his father sort of slapped in his face, so it leaves me wondering what he's really upset about. I always thought as long as it was just Jack's word that his father was a pirate, Will could choose to believe it was all a lie, but in that case, what DID he think Jack meant by leverage? I'm beginning to wonder if this "sexy" willabeth scene is actually us getting to see their very first tiff. Sigh. Young love. I don't own it.**


	23. The Scene in Which the Gods Negotiate

"How the blazes did you get off that island?" Barbossa's eyes widened when they brought Jack forth.

"I'm Captain Jack Sparrow," he said, strutting around looking proud of himself…as usual, Barbossa thought, remembering just why he hated the guy.

"Well, I won't be making that mistake again. Gents, you all remember Captain Jack Sparrow? Kill him."

"The girl's blood didn't work, did it?"

"Hold yer fire!" His crew reluctantly lowered their weapons. "So…you know whose blood we need?"

"I know whose blood ye need," Jack said.

"Ah. Shall we make ourselves more comfortable then? Say, MY cabin? Lads!" Michael Clarke Duncan's clone and some nameless extra took Jack by the arms and did not let go of him until they sat him down in a chair across from Barbossa in the cabin of the _Pearl. _Jack maintained a calm exterior, just happy to be on his ship again. She was in good condition…besides the codpiece across from him thinking she belonged to him.

"Aye, that girl be a poison, to be sure." Barbossa seated himself, his eyes on the bowl of apples on the table. "I 'spect ye be wantin' to get to know her."

"Let's just say, like you know an apple." Jack picked one up and bit into it. "Tell you what I'll do. Give me the ship back and I'm going to find that little island you left me on whereby you shall know whose blood you need."

"Ha! You expect to leave me standing on some beach with naught but a name and your word it's the one I need and watch you sail away in my ship?"

"No. I expect to leave you standing on some beach with absolutely no name at all, watching me sail away on MY ship and then I'll shout the name back to you, savvy?"

"Well, I could work on my tan, I suppose…wait a minute!" He reached under the desk to find the shelving unit under there and picked up _Aztec Curses and What They Mean to You _by JK Rowling."Says here I can't tan whilst cursed. You better sweeten the deal!"

"I don't need to sweeten anything, although this apple isn't quite as tart as I like them." He made sure to dribble just a little out of the corner of his mouth. "Of the two of us, I am the only one who hasn't committed mutiny, therefore my word is the one we'll be trusting, although I should be thanking you because…mmm…apple." He took another bite, chomping the apple clump all around in his mouth, knowing how mad it was driving Barbossa. "If you hadn't left me to die, I would have an equal share in that curse, same as you. Funny old world, isn't it?" He offered the apple out to Barbossa, grinning. "Just as well. God, this apple is just delicious." He began leaning back in the chair, closing his eyes and moaning. This will surely get under his undead skin. "Oh. Oh that feels so good. Yes! Yes! YES!"

Bastard.

"I'll have what he's having," the gigantic bo'sun who looked like he belonged on death row with a pet mouse said.

"What do ye want?" Barbossa asked, clearly agitated.

"Captain, we're coming up on the _Interceptor._" Jack followed the two of them topside and spotted the ship not too far ahead.

"I'm having a thought here, Barbossa. What say we run a flag of truce and I scurry over there and negotiate the return of your medallion? What say you to that?"

"Now ye see, Jack, that's exactly the attitude that lost you the _Pearl. _Dead people are so much easier to search…among other things. Lock him in the brig!"

* * *

**A/N: The fake orgasm bit comes from _When Harry Met Sally_. JK Rowling has obviously written no such book (yet). Please leave a review! Again, I do not own POTC.**


	24. The Inevitable Sea Battle Scene

Elizabeth stormed up to the upper deck, finding the crew running around like chickens without heads. If that's how they acted just around undead pirates, she hated to think what it would be like if any ninjas crossed their path.

"What's happening?" she asked the woman at the helm.

"The _Black Pearl _is gaining on us, which wouldn't have happened if the lot of ye had bought a boat from me, Anamaria of Anamaria's Used Ship Lot where everything is a steal!"

"This is the fastest ship in the Caribbean! I don't know how I know that, but I do!" Elizabeth argued. "We're shallow on the draft so you can lose them amongst those shoals. Yes, I know how to sail, too!"

"We don't have to outrun them long, just long enough," Gibbs agreed. "We'll have to lighten the load. Anything that we can afford to lose, see that it's lost!"

The _Black Pearl _gained on them even faster, her oars extended, ready to scrape right into the side of the _Interceptor _and board her.

"It was a good plan," Anamaria said to Elizabeth. "Until now."

"We have to fight!" Will shouted. "Load the guns! Shit! Fuck! Damn."

"With what? In case you haven't noticed, I'm kind of a pessimist behind this perky façade," Anamaria challenged.

"Anything. Everything."

"Nautical terms!" Everyone stuffed cutlery and other assorted items into the guns, including Gibbs' own flask. "The _Pearl _is going to luff up on our port quarter. She'll rake us without ever presenting a target."

"Not if Elizabeth Swann, amateur sailor, has anything to say about it!" Elizabeth bellowed, her hands on her hips. "Lower the anchor on the starboard side. Do it!"

"It does have the element of surprise," Will admitted. "You know, I saved her."

"You're daft, lady! You both are!"

"Daft like Jack!" Gibbs grinned. "Lower the starboard anchor!"

"I, I saved her…" Will muttered to himself as the anchor lowered. The two ships came side by side and exchanged fire, blasting holes into every inch of the _Pearl._

"We could use a few more ideas, lass," Gibbs said, crouching down next to them near the rail. "We need us a devil's dowry."

Suddenly Anamaria pointed her pistol right at Elizabeth. "We'll give them her." Everyone just stared at her. "What? No sales pitch this time. I just don't want to be second banana to a spirited young governor's daughter."

"But she's not what they're after," Will said.

"The medallion!" Elizabeth screamed.

"Fuck! What did I do with it?" Will searched his pockets in a frenzy.

"You threw it down in a fit of rage!"

"You made me enraged!"

"Because I returned the stupid thing to you!"

"Because you took it in the first place!"

"Eight years ago, Will! Now if you don't shut up and go after it, you're about to become MY leverage!"

Will ran below decks to find it. He could hear Barbossa's voice now, followed by a crash. The mast of the _Interceptor _fell with a crunch right in front of Will's way out, the bottom decks filling up with water.

* * *

**A/N: I once listened to an impromptu briefing a girl I was in ROTC with that had to be about ninjas. This was before I even knew about the whole pirates vs. ninja thing, so when she said her three main points would be ninja moves, ninja weapons, and why ninjas were better than pirates, I thought that was her own creativity...that and I was also outraged because I was a POTC fan even then. So that inspired me to insert something about ninjas somewhere in my parody.**


	25. The Try, Try Again Scene

Jack took advantage of the damages to the _Pearl _to escape her brig and climb up to the upper deck. Just when he emerged from the hold, he was able to grab a rope from one of the crew. "Thanks so much," he said, and swung across to the other ship. Passing Gibbs and the others now fighting hand-to-hand combat, he clenched the risen arm of a combatant dueling with Elizabeth.

"You're seriously going to attack the best looking thing out here?"

Ramming the butt of her musket into her assailant, Elizabeth finished him off and found herself dragged to the deck by Jack. Good God, now was not the time, she thought, bunching up her dress to save time. Losing her virginity to a pirate in the heat of battle? And previously seeing him soaking wet while in her underwear? How lucky could a girl be, she squealed inside.

"Where's the medallion?" he asked, raising his voice over the battle.

Oh.

"Wretch!"

He caught her wrist just in time to avoid a slap and inquired as to the whereabouts of Will. Maneuvering around the mast, she looked through a grate and found him up to his neck in water.

"I'm sorry I slammed the medallion down in a fit of rage!" His voice echoed up to hers. About to summon the strength of He-Man and lift the entire mast herself, she was quickly dragged away by Barbossa's crew.

At the same time, Jack noticed Barbossa's monkey yank up the medallion and start making its way to the _Pearl. _Running after it, he stopped right in front of Barbossa.

"Why, thank ye, Jack."

"You're welcome," Jack said sarcastically.

"Not you. We named the monkey Jack. Who's a good wittle monkey? Who's my good witty bitty monkey? You are! You are!" He tickled its chin and held the medallion in his hand. "Gents, our hope is restored!"

The entire crew, except Will, who was still trying to escape, bless his little heart, were taken to the _Pearl, _all held hostage by the cursed crew. The _Interceptor _exploded behind them.

"Will! By the power of Grayskull!" Elizabeth fumed, hoping it would work as she broke free from her captors and flouted Barbossa with the girliest punches ever filmed.

"Welcome back! You took advantage of our hospitality last time. It holds fair that you return the favor." He pushed her back to the crew. "Oh, and in case all innuendo is barred, we're going to rape you. It's what villains do."

"Barbossa!" Will leapt onto the deck in true Errol Flynn form, a pistol pointed at Barbossa. "She goes free. As free as the wind blows/As free as the grass grows…"

"Will! They're not serious about the singing!" Elizabeth warned, four men still holding her every limb, tugging at her hair.

"Don't do anything stupid!" Jack begged. "Don't listen to him. He's no one, a distant cousin of my aunt's nephew twice removed. Elfish persuasion. Shoots a lot of arrows and fancies a dwarf. Eunuch."

"My name is Will Turner. You killed my father. Prepare to die…or…you can't die right now. Prepare to make a bargain!" Will said, pointing the pistol at his own head.

"Ye don't look much like ol' Bootstrap," Barbossa countered.

"So I'm told. Now do as I say or I'll pull this trigger and be lost to Davy Jones' Locker, which in this movie, is just a euphemism for being dead and not a deserted place where you live out your worst fears."

"Name your terms, Mr. Turner," Barbossa said. Jack pointed at himself. Stupid, stupid boy.

"Elizabeth goes free. As free as the wind blows/As free as the grass grows…"

"Yes, thank you for singing. A soprano. I'm impressed. Anything else?"

"And the crew. The crew are not to be harmed."

"Agreed. Lads, set up the plank! We can do that in song if ye like."

Of course the narrator preferred the singing version.

"Steve walks warily down the street/With the brim pulled way down low/Ain't no sound but the sound of his feet/Machine guns ready to go…"

Pintel and Ragetti knocked the pistol from Will's hand and held him in place as the rest of the crew positioned a large splintery board so one of its ends stood over the water. They handed Will over to two larger men and pulled out their slide whistles.

"This'll be a fun sound effect to match her fall," Ragetti giggled.

"Another one bites the dust/Another one bites the dust/And another one gone/And another one gone…"

"Go on then, Muppet! Walk the plank."

They pushed Elizabeth up until she could only continue backwards to the edge of the plank.

"Barbossa, you lying bastard!" Will shouted. "You swore she'd go free!"

"Don't dare impugn me honor, boy. I agreed she'd go free but it was you who failed to specify where or when. Gag him! Though it does seem a shame to lose something so fine, don't it, lads? So I'll be having that dress back before ye go."

Amongst a sweep of whistles and catcalls, Elizabeth threw off her blood-colored wench dress and wadded it up, leaving her in her less formal, but just as modest, underwear than what she had in Scene 5.

"Goes with your black heart," she said. With that, the men rattled the plank and sent her flailing into the ocean, Pintel and Ragetti cursing themselves for missing the opportunity to use their slide whistles. Oh well. There was another one to go. The crew pushed Jack up to the plank.

"I'd really rather hoped we were past all this cold water and heat stroke," he said.

"Jack, Jack, did ye not notice? That be the same little island that we made you governor of on our last little trip."

"I did notice." In between views of Miss Swann's skirt hiking up, but that was beside the point.

"Perhaps you'll be able to conjure up another miraculous escape, but I doubt it. I sort of see this as killin' two birds with the same stone, eh? Get it? Birds? Heh heh. Off ye go."

"Last time," Jack stalled. "You gave me a pistol with one shot."

"By the powers, yer right. Where be Jack's pistol? Bring it forward." The pistol was brought forth and set in Barbossa's hand. "Any last words?"

"Thanks a lot, Will," he murmured. "Seeing as there's two of us this time, a gentleman would give us a pair of pistols."

"It'll be one pistol as before, and you can be the gentleman and shoot the lady and starve to death yourself, although I'm not entirely sure why I doubt you'll be able to escape the exact same situation I put you in before that you managed to escape from, especially considerin' this time you have an accomplice, better weather, and a more grown-up island that must be a little more habitable than the last time you were on it. Oh well." He chucked the pistol into sea, leaving Jack no choice but to dive in after it…once again with gold medal-worthy precision.

* * *

**A/N: Several things I don't own in this chapter. For instance, I do not own _He-Man, The Lord of the Rings, The Princess Bride, Born Free, _or the song "Another One Bites the Dust," sung by the glorious band Queen. Oh and POTC. Don't own POTC.**


	26. The Scene With All the Phallic Imagery

After pointing to an innocent school of creepy looking lionfish to distract the circling hammerhead sharks from devouring them, Jack and Elizabeth managed to reach the narrow inlet of land without much trouble.

"That's the second time I've had to watch that man sail away with my ship," Jack heaved, the _Black Pearl _now a dot out on the horizon line. To add to all the phallic imagery in this movie, he produced the pistol and took a seat on the sand to polish it.

Elizabeth hitched up the skirt of her shift and explored the island, the sun beating down on her, drying her off much sooner than she expected. She also had circled the island much sooner than she expected, glaring at her own footprints in front of her.

"Really not all that big, is it?" Jack asked.

"If you're going to shoot me, please do so without delay."

"Is there a problem between us? Why do you still have clothes on? Do you know how lucky it is that this is our fate and we're not being used as pin cushions right now?"

"You were going to trade Will's life for a ship! Now, granted, he's a little naïve and should have seen right through your little leverage remark, but come on! He has no dad. Take some pity on him."

"The fact of the matter, Miss Swann, is that as long as Barbossa DIDN'T know about bloody Will, I still had something to bargain with, which now no one does, thanks to bloody stupid Will, and unless you have a very pleasant way to cheer me up, I'm going to still be a little irked with him."

Well, finally, she thought, something that made sense. Considering saying that Will risked his life for them, she thought better of mentioning Will again and followed Jack into the brush.

"But you were marooned on this island before, weren't you, so we can escape the same way you did then!" But we don't have to rush it, she thought, finger-combing her hair.

"To what point and purpose, young miss? Unless you have a rudder and a lot of sails hidden in that bodice—unlikely—young Mr. Turner will be dead long before you can reach him. Now, if you'll excuse me…I left my Barry White CD somewhere here last time…" He knocked on a tree trunk and took four giant steps.

"But…but you're Captain Jack Sparrow! You don't need Barry White to get in the mood. You could get a girl into the mood with monkeys chattering in the background! You could get a girl in the mood describing paint drying! You vanished from under the eyes of seven agents of the East India Trading Company! You sacked Nassau Port without even firing a shot! You declined appearing in the special pirate edition of _Playgirl _now are you the pirate I've fantasized about or not? How did you escape last time?"

He looked at her.

"Read about. Are you the pirate I've read about or not?"

"Last time I was here a grand total of three days, all right? Last time…" he said, opening a cellar door hidden by the white sand. "The rumrunners used this island as a cache, came by, and I was able to barter passage off. From the looks of things, they've probably long been out of business. Probably have your bloody friend Norrington to thank for that." He climbed out with two bottles of rum in his hands.

Norrington. She'd forgotten about him, as she was sure everyone else had by now.

"So that's it then? That's the secret grand adventure of the infamous Jack Sparrow?"

"Infamous?"

"You spent three days lying on a beach drinking rum?"

Jack was at a loss for words. How to explain it? He shrugged and gave it his all.

"Look for the bare necessities/The simple bare necessities/Forget about your worries and your strife," he sang, marching back to the surf.

"So is there no truth to the other stories then?" Elizabeth asked, flustered at his little bout of Disney. The audacity! Braving a lawsuit! Why did she still have clothes on, she began to wonder?

"Truth?" He pulled down his shirt to show her his scars. "No truth at all."

"How did you get that big one there?"

"Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into our side, Chief. We was comin' back from the island of Tinian to Leyte... just delivered the bomb. The Hiroshima bomb. Eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in twelve minutes. Didn't see the first shark for about a half an hour. Tiger. Thirteen-footer. You know how you know that when you're in the water, love? You tell by looking from the dorsal to the tail. What we didn't know, was our bomb mission had been so secret, no distress signal had been sent. They didn't even list us overdue for a week. Very first light, darling, sharks come cruisin', so we formed ourselves into tight groups. You know, it was kinda like old squares in the battle like you see in the calendar named "The Battle of Waterloo" and the idea was: shark comes to the nearest man, that man he starts poundin' and hollerin' and screamin' and sometimes the shark go away... but sometimes he wouldn't go away. Sometimes that shark he looks right into ya. Right into your eyes. And, you know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be living... until he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'…"

"Are you bullshitting me?" she tested.

"Yep. Nothing gets past you." He smiled and motioned for her to sit next to him, but she still stood, the waves diminishing around her ankles. Shapely calves, too.

"What about Will? I feel guilty he's about to have his throat slit while we're here on an all-expenses-paid vacation."

"You're absolutely right, love." He held up his bottle. "Here's luck to ye, Will Turner," he said and took a swig. He rolled the second bottle to her. Picking it up, she plopped down next to him and uncorked it.

"Drink up, me hearties, yo ho," she whispered and chugged it herself. Wincing, she had no idea that was what straight rum tasted like. How the hell did those teenagers in the ads consume enough of it to party?

"What was that, Elizabeth?"

"It's love or darling or dearie or anything you want it to be, and it's nothing, just a song I learned back when I wanted to meet a pirate," she said wistfully.

"How's it go?"

"No. I'm not a karaoke machine."

"You're not a bitch either, love. Let's hear it."

"No," she said again. I'd have to have a lot more to drink."

He noticed her impish smile, along with the fact she was stroking the neck of that bottle like there was no tomorrow. She was intriguing to say the least.

"How much more?"

* * *

**A/N: Yes, I am including a lot of the deleted scenes in this because, to me, they are part of the movie and I love them too much to not include them. It would seem wrong somehow. I do not own "The Bare Necessities." Disney does. Jack's little monologue comes from the classic movie _Jaws_, which I highly recommend if you haven't seen it. Haunting speech...when done by Robert Shaw, not Jack, of course. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending how you look at it, the stroking the neck of the bottle is not me just being a pervert. In the deleted scene, if you watch, our young impetuous Liz is stroking the hell out of that phallic bottle. Fun fact: the opposite of phallic is "yonic." **


	27. The Scene That Dashed Our Erotic Hopes

Singing and dancing around a large bonfire, the two of them belted out, "We're devils and black sheep and really bad eggs/Drink up, me hearties, yo ho!/Yo ho, yo ho/A pirate's life for me!"

"I love this song!" Jack announced, spinning her before losing his balance. He pulled her to the ground with him. "When I get the _Pearl _back and I'm not so fit-shaced, I'll teach it to the whole crew and we'll sing it all the time! Oh, and the rum-pong. That was fun, too."

"And you will be positively the most fearsome pirate in the Spanish Main!" Elizabeth cried out with her arms open.

"Not just the Spanish Main, love, the entire ocean! The entire world! Wherever we want to go, we'll go. That's what a ship is, you know. It's not just a keel and a hull and a deck and sails—that's what a ship needs. But what a ship is, what the _Black Pearl _really is, is freedom."

"Jack." She pressed up against him, enjoying getting acquainted but nevertheless wishing the pillow talk would come LATER. "It must be really terrible for you to be trapped on this island." Wow, thank you, Miss Captain Obvious, she told herself. She hadn't even drunk any of the rum herself and here she was with her brain cells dying by the hundreds in a matter of minutes.

"Oh yes," he said, putting his arm around her. "But the company is infinitely better than last time, I think. The scenery has definitely improved."

"Captain Sparrow! I'm not entirely sure I've had enough rum to allow that kind of talk…especially considering that one of my maids had plotted to kill me, so intent on being a super-villain, that it's all I can do to think of a fearsome pirate crew patrolling the oceans for me."

"Oh, that is a dilemma. No, please, do continue ravishing my chest. It's a nice feeling." All-expenses-paid vacation indeed.

"To freedom!" She lifted her bottle.

"To the _Black Pearl_," he said, clanging his bottle against her own before chugging it at a voracious speed.

"All right, well, I'm bored since you're drunk and there will be no hanky-panky for me." Elizabeth rose and gathered up the rum bottles and walked closer to the fire. "You'll barely remember it all anyway." She hurled the bottles into the fire. The flames curled higher into the air, touching the stars. "It was very brave of you to sing such a generous portion of a Disney song, though. I've heard they've even stolen from Shakespeare! A summer movie like us won't stand a chance unless Disney puts their name on us somehow, so…since we're probably going to be censored anyway, what do you say to some horizontal tango before reality kicks in? Like George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez in _Out of Sight_, except your eyes aren't sunken in and my bottom is proportional to the rest of me. Jack?"

Jack lied spread-eagle on the sand, passed out.

"Well, that plan worked a little too well," she grunted. "How to curb sexual frustration…meh. I'll just set the whole place on fire."

* * *

**A/N: Please leave a review!**


	28. The Scene in Which the Rum is Gone

Somewhere out in open sea, Will vomited from watching the cursed crew of the _Pearl _play musical chairs in the moonlight, bones snapping off and claiming chairs. But we aren't too concerned with that at the moment.

Jack woke up the next morning feeling sullied and unusual. If he had a nickel for every time he felt that way, he thought with a smile. Hmm, smelled like someone had something on the grill. The movie was supposed to last a little while longer, so it was too early for a wrap party. Standing up, he followed the smell to see the island burning.

Elizabeth tossed another bottle of rum into the fire, ducking at the slight explosion it caused. A few sea turtles waddled up onto the beach and joined hands…er, flippers, and began an ominous chanting.

"Yahoo doray/Yahoo doray/Welcome Disney/Come this way," they sang, swaying back and forth.

"No! No good! Stop! Not good!" Jack ran up to the fire, kicking the sea turtles back into the water. "What are you doing? You burned all the food, the shade, the rum!"

"Yes, the rum is gone, and you just kicked a sea turtle!"

"Why is the rum gone?" Jack screamed at her.

"Why did you kick a sea turtle?" she screamed back.

"Why is the rum gone?"

"One, because it is a vile drink that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels. Two, I just wanted to loosen you up and give you a slight buzz and the next thing I knew you had passed right out. Three, that signal is over a thousand feet high."

He narrowed his eyes at her.

"All right, maybe not a thousand feet high…feet? Aren't we British?"

"Last I checked, but that was before THE RUM WAS GONE!"

"Hmm, maybe the metric system just doesn't apply when one is a castaway. Anyway, the entire navy is looking for me, do you really think there's even the slightest chance that they won't see it?"

"But why is the rum gone?"

Tired of the back and forth, she sat down and watched the rest of the sea turtles go back out to sea. "Just wait, Captain Sparrow. You give it one hour, maybe two, keep a weather eye out and you will see white sails on that horizon. Now, I did say an hour or two, so if you have ANYTHING in mind to pass the time, now's the time to speak up, wink wink."

Jack took out his pistol, but reconsidered and stormed off.

"'Must've been terrible for you to be trapped here, Jack. Must've been terrible for you.' Well it bloody is now!" It had been a while since he had had angry sex, his partner at the time a strange-toothed, red-eyed woman who had yelled out, "Octopi" instead of his own name and then proceeded to try to kill him out of embarrassment, but even then he had received his special compass from her as compensation, so it all turned out all right. Considering Elizabeth did figure in an hour to kill, he thought about turning back and reenacting _From Here to Eternity _with her, but then saw white sails on the horizon. The _Dauntless _was anchored and a longboat was on its way to them.

"There'll be no shacking up with her after this," he sighed.

* * *

**A/N: I do not own _How the Grinch Stole Christmas _or _From Here to Eternity. _Since I'm an American, I haven't really had too much to do with the metric system since high school chemistry...so I'm afraid I don't know much about its history. I apologize if the British did in fact use "feet" as a measurement back then. If they, in fact, did, consider Elizabeth's confusion a side effect of being held by Jack Sparrow himself the night before. You would be dazzled, too. When I first saw the movie back in 2003, I really didn't ship anybody at the time...although, as you may have figured out, I was a bit disappointed with the love story aspect, wondering what Will and Elizabeth really saw of each other to make them so committed to one another. They don't exactly get a lot of interaction or just "down time" in general. But yet I didn't really know what would fill that void and then DMC came out and I was a sparrabether 100%. Needless to say, the glorious "peas in a pod" scene will be included in this parody. I do not own POTC, either.**


	29. The Rest of the Characters Show Up Scene

Everyone on board the _Dauntless _covered their ears at the screeching sound of Governor Swann's rape whistle. At last, Gillette Razor smacked it out of his hands and whispered in his ear that even if, Heaven forbid, the worst had happened to Miss Swann, it was too late to use the whistle, thus inappropriate to use it in such a way now.

"I'm sorry," Governor Swann apologized. "I was so used to pepper spray."

"So are we going after Will or not?" Elizabeth asked, noticing her hair was starting to curl in a very desirable, attractive way for not having combed it for a few days and the ravages…that word again…of the sun, sand, wind, and salt water still in it.

"No, you're safe now. We must return to Port Royal and forget about all this pirate business. Well, we'll be hanging Captain Sparrow there, but that's an entirely different sort of pirate business."

"He'll have his palm cut open in a gruesome way if we don't go after him!" Elizabeth whined. "If Barbossa does it with a dirty knife there's the possibility of tetanus!"

"That is a regrettable fate," Governor Swann humored her. "But, dear, he is a eunuch and with him out of the picture, you can marry the Commodore and not be tempted by any other character in this series."

"If I may be so bold," Jack said, "The _Pearl _was random nautical terms after the battle. It's very unlikely she'll be able to make good time. Think about it, the _Black Pearl_, the last real threat in the Caribbean, excluding excessive sunburns. How can you pass that up, mate?" He tapped Norrington's back, wondering if the brocade would smear off like pixie dust.

"Don't touch the brocade, pirate," Norrington snapped. "It's all I have over you right now. That and this impressive sword the condemned blacksmith boy made for me."

"Commodore, I beg you, please do this for me, as a wedding gift," Elizabeth pleaded. Everyone froze. Wedding gift? What had she been thinking? Some alarm must have been triggered on her biological clock. Married to the Commodore? Well, it is the 17th century, the 18th at the most, and she was twenty. At least the old maid jokes would cease.

"Elizabeth, are you accepting the Commodore's proposal?" Governor Swann asked. "The wig makes it hard to hear."

"I am," she breathed. Damn. Elizabeth Norrington didn't have much of a ring to it. Not a bit of him was a soaking wet pirate.

"Mr. Sparrow, you will accompany these fine men to the helm and provide us with the bearings to Isla de Muerta."

"That's what got me mutinied last time."

"Ironic that this time it's going to lead to a heroic epic battle between you and the chief mutineer. You will then spend the rest of the voyage contemplating all possible meanings of the phrase, 'a penny saved is a penny earned.' Is that clear?"

"No, I can't really see what that has to do with…"

"How about 'life is like a bowl of cherries'?"

"Still not clear." Jack shrugged.

"How about…"

"Might I go shopping for something to wear, or will it be bare breasts and ankles all the way?" Elizabeth asked, ready to move on to the next scene.

"Ankles all the way!" everyone cheered but her father, who pulled out the directions that came with the rape whistle.

* * *

**A/N: "Ankles all the way" is from the COTBP blooper reel, which I highly recommend. It is one of the funniest parts, thanks to Keira Knightley's deadpan delivery and Jack Davenport's WTF reaction. They should think about getting together for a screwball comedy...good timing and chemistry. I do not own POTC, but I appreciate all the reviews. Please keep them coming!**


	30. The Cliched Fatherly Revelation Scene

In the brig of the _Black Pearl_, Pintel and Ragetti swabbed the floor, wondering if Long John Silver's crew had to do such menial labor. Pretending their mops were dance partners, they hummed the waltz from _Sleeping Beauty_, oblivious to the prisoners still watching them with curious eyes.

"Awwk, shiver me timbers," the parrot squawked.

"Cotton says you missed a spot," Gibbs lied, really knowing the parrot had said, "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain."

"You knew William Turner?" Will asked.

"Don't talk about yourself in the third person," Ragetti said. "It makes you seem smug."

"No, no, my father. Hell. Damn."

"Oh," Pintel said. "We knew him. Never sat well with Bootstrap what we did to Jack, the mutiny and all. He said it wasn't right with the Code. That's why he sent off a piece of the treasure to you as it were. He said we deserved to be cursed and remain cursed."

"Stupid blighter," Ragetti said to himself, for once not unconsciously slipping into rhetoric or dichotomies.

"Good man," Gibbs corrected him. "What makes one a good man? Tis worth pondering, it is."

"Philosophy is MY hidden pastime!" Ragetti screamed at him. "'I think, therefore I am.' Ha! I bet you didn't know that one!" Shrieking like a wild man, which was terribly out of character, Ragetti flew at the brig's bars, tearing at them and spilling inconsistencies and contradictory theories out right and left.

"It's okay, Ragetti. He didn't know. He didn't know." Pintel patted him and took him by the shoulders.

"I've read Proust, mother-fucker!" Ragetti cried, pointing to Gibbs with tears in his eyes.

"Anyway." Pintel rolled his eyes. "The Captain strapped a cannon to Bootstrap's bootstraps. The last we saw of old Bill Turner, he was sinking to the crushing oblivion of Davy Jones' Locker."

"You mean he's still alive and if I lift the curse, it will actually kill him?" Will asked with wide eyes.

"Huh. I guess. Although it would be a mercy killing."

"Wouldn't the _Dutchman _have picked him up first?" Gibbs wondered aloud.

"Maybe some sea turtles rescued him and took him to land," Ragetti suggested.

"Well, in spite of all these possibilities for a character who does have some relevant importance to the plot, we shouldn't really delve into that sort of thing now," Pintel decided. "In fact, after this moment, he really won't even be mentioned again until the sequel."

"Bring him," Barbossa commanded as he came down the steps, spooking everyone.

* * *

**A/N: I do not own _Sleeping Beauty _or _My Fair Lady. _Ragetti's closeted intellectualism is inspired by the movies themselves, mainly DMC. **


	31. The Beginning of the Climax Scene

Standing near the railing of the ship, Jack knew Elizabeth was nearby, now dressed in a soldier's uniform that inexplicably fit her. As if she could ever pass for a boy, he sniffed. Look at those cheekbones.

"You didn't tell him about the curse," she said absently, playing with the grain in the wooden railing.

"I noticed neither did you, what with all the ankle mentioning."

"Had to give him something to think about that wasn't about cursed pirates. You know, I've always wondered why this scene was cut since it's only a minute long, but you'll see in a matter of minutes I'll be informing Gillette Razor about the curse only for him to not believe me, so to include both scenes makes me look a tad schizophrenic."

"You're a tad schizophrenic anyway," Jack said with his hands behind his back. "One minute you're a well-bred lady, the next you're out-pirating us all. I have a feeling this conflict is going to remain with you for a long time."

"You're a smart man, Jack." She nodded. "That means I really want you, but I don't know if you can handle me."

Jack edged closer to her, desperate for a kiss. He locked eyes with her, their foreheads almost touching, and whispered to her, "Lizzie, love, I'm the best fuck out there."

"With me, Sparrow," Norrington interrupted what probably would have been a premature kiss, tossing Jack his compass and winding up in a longboat with him.

"I don't care for this situation. Any attempt to storm the caves could turn into an ambush."

"You know," Jack said, taking the spyglass from him. "We could have surveyed the situation from the ship. There was no need to come out here on a boat."

"I'm the Commodore here and I said we were going out on a boat to pry your eyes off my child-bride!"

"Well then, what say you to having me go in, convince Barbossa to send his men out with their little boats, you and your mates return to the _Dauntless _and blast the bejeezus out of them with your little cannons, er, guns, eh? What do you have to lose?"

That was a good idea, Norrington sighed, hating that he was going along with the plan of a pirate. There had to be some manual in the regs about not doing exactly this, but he was too lazy to go and look it up.

"Now, to be quite honest with you, there is still a slight risk for those aboard the _Dauntless _which includes the future Mrs. Commodore."

"You're right." Norrington stood up in the boat and pulled out the semaphore flags. With great expertise, he signaled for Elizabeth to be locked in the captain's cabin of the ship. His crew in the boat applauded his grace. It was like watching a fan-dance.

"Captain fan-danced, er, semaphored me," Gillette Razor said to Elizabeth.

"Was it as good for you as it was for him?" she asked, stifling a laugh.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh nothing. Did you have a smoke after he semaphored you?" she giggled.

"Look, Miss Swann, I'm going to lock you into the cabin right now. Don't you want to struggle and tell me there's something the Commodore needs to know?"

She could see it now, screaming out the pirates couldn't be killed because of the curse, only to be told a little mermaid flopped on deck and told them the whole story, whereby upon returning to Port Royal, she'd have her stuffy wedding to Norrington and then be promptly secured in a straitjacket, headed for Bedlam. "Whoever you are, I've always depended on the kindness of strangers," she'd say to the shrink.

"No," she said quickly. "No, lock me in. I'll go from there."

* * *

**A/N: The first time I saw the "peas in a pod" scene, calming down after my epiphany that was a sparrabeth conversion (I hadn't really shipped anyone before), I wondered why on earth it was cut since it times out to just about one minute. It didn't seem to slow down the pace. In the commentary, T&T say they even wished it was one of the scenes they wished had made it into the final cut. So the only explanation can be that it would have made Elizabeth seem...schizophrenic to at one moment be absolutely resolved NOT to tell James about the curse and in the next scene to be fighting her way out of soldiers' clutches trying to tell him about it after all. **


	32. The Scene Where Whelp was First Used

Back in the caverns on their way to the treasure, Will thought he smelled corn chips, and then remembered he was being taken to the chest by Pintel and Ragetti.

"The word of the day is odiferous," he said. "Ass. Fuck."

"Sure you don't have Tourettes?" they asked.

"As sure as I am that I'll never go to Davy Jones' Locker or be stabbed by one of my own swords."

"Aw, he's scared," Ragetti said. "No reason to fret. It's just a prick of the finger, a few drops of blood. 'May you live your life as if the maxim of your actions were to become universal law,' Immanuel Kant."

"Bloody hell, Ragetti, even I know that's not relevant to the situation!" Pintel growled. "We know philosophy is your hidden pastime. No one here's trying to take it from you. But now I'm mad. We're going to spill all your blood, Turner!"

"Aye, we'll just be showin' the botched attempt at lifting the curse on the blooper reel, shall we?" Barbossa grinned as Will came closer to him. His sword ready, he could almost feel the soft touch of a half-eaten apple down on his…

"Excuse me?" Jack waved his arms, entering the cavern.

"Jack!" Will's eyes lit up.

"It's not possible," Barbossa breathed.

"Not probable."

"Where's Elizabeth? She's not somewhere thinking for herself, is she?" Will inquired.

"The virgin's safe, just like I promised. She's all set to marry Norrington just like she promised, and you get to die for her just like you promised. So we're all men of our world really, except Elizabeth who is, in fact, a woman, and a virgin at that."

"Shut up!" Barbossa yipped. "You'll be next!"

"You don't want to be doing that, mate."

"No, I really think I do."

"Your funeral."

"Why don't I want to be doin' it?"

"Why, because the _HMS Dauntless _is floating just offshore waiting for you. Hear me out. You order your men to row out to the ship. They do what they do best and then you'll have the making of your very own fleet. Of course you'll take the grandest as your flagship, but what of the _Pearl_? Name me Captain. Give her back to me. I'll sail under your colors and give you ten percent of me plunder and you get to introduce yourself as Commodore Barbossa. COMMODORE. That's a rank that's not going anywhere. Savvy?"

Barbossa, who had pocketed his copy of _Aztec Curses and What They Mean to You _breathed a curse, wishing now he had pocketed his copy of _So Now You're a Commodore _by Dr. Phil. Always the wrong book handy when it came to Jack.

"I suppose in exchange you want me not to kill the whelp?"

"No, not at all, by all means, kill the whelp."

"Am I the whelp?" Will asked helplessly.

"Just not yet," Jack said, ignoring him. "Wait to lift the curse until the opportune moment. For instance," he paused, picking up a few medallions, "after you've killed every last one of Norrington's men." He threw them back as he spoke, except for one. EXCEPT FOR ONE. This should not have been a spoiler to anyone in the theater. It was done in slow-freaking-motion! Will even noticed it!

Speaking of which, Will saw the taken piece of gold and had a stroke of brilliance. "You've been planning this from the beginning! Ever since you learned my name! Bitch! Fuck! Shit!"

"Yeah."

"I want fifty percent of your plunder," Barbossa said, the only one who didn't notice Jack taking a medallion. We mustn't be too hard on him, though. His mind was on page twenty-four of _The Apple Kama Sutra._

"Fifteen," Jack said, raising his eyebrow at the sudden lustful look in Barbossa's eye. The man and apples, sheesh.

"Forty."

"Twenty-five," he haggled. "And I'll buy you a hat, a really big one, Commodore."

"Well, all right, since I've left you out on an island to die twice before, notwithstanding that you managed to survive twice and can have no malice geared towards me whatsoever. Say, does your pistol still have one shot?"

"Er…all hands to the boats!" Jack ordered the crew. "Sorry. You give the orders."

"Gents, take a walk," Barbossa said, leering.

"Not to the boats?" Jack asked. Bugger. That plan backfired. He would just have to come up with something else now. He knew the cursed pirates now walking on the sea floor towards the _Dauntless _would come under the light of the moon, their true forms scaring to death anyone they didn't hack away at first.

* * *

**A/N: LOVE doing Jack/Barbossa scenes in this. Please leave a review! Don't own the thing!**


	33. The Scene with Those Two Guys in Drag

Still in the boats, because, after all, Jack Sparrow was the one who told them to return to the ship and God only knows that guy never has ANYONE'S best interest at heart, Norrington kept his spyglass up to his eye, taking in the scenery. Aside from the rumored Aztec treasure in the caverns and a foreboding mist everywhere, Isla de Muerta was quite picturesque. He might bring Elizabeth here on their honeymoon, maybe set up a summer house. No one would ever think to find a husband and wife on an island whose name translated to "Island of Death." With some flowerboxes in the windows and throw pillows on the sofas, and ankles all the way, it could be a very chipper place to stay.

Without warning, a rowboat with two women rowed across. Nothing suspicious about that.

"Hold your fire," he warned his men. He brought down the spyglass, allowing the men to see that one of them had greased it, leaving a nice black ring around Norrington's eye. They stifled their chuckles. "If we kill two women, the Port Royal Garden Party Committee will have our heads."

On the boat, the two women were really Pintel and Ragetti, disguised and using parasols to shield themselves from the moonlight.

"This is just like what the Greeks done at Troy," Ragetti laughed. "Except they was in a horse instead of dresses, wooden horse."

"Speaking of wood, we'll steal Muppet back when we're not cursed anymore, right?" Pintel asked.

Neither was sure about that, only sure that right at this moment, their fellow cursed crewmembers were boarding the _Dauntless._

* * *

**A/N: I guess I should say I don't own the Muppets...or POTC.**


	34. The Liz's Bravery and Bad Luck Scene

Governor Swann stood outside the cabin door, not bothering to knock or barge in just in case Elizabeth had chosen this particular moment to practice her Yoga.

"Elizabeth, I just want you to know I, I believe you made a very good decision today, couldn't be more proud of you."

As he spoke, she tied off the last of the bed sheets into a makeshift rope and climbed out on a waiting longboat. How did she get the longboat there? A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets, if you believe the old lady from _Titanic. _We'll let Elizabeth keep that secret.

"But, you know, even a good decision if made for the wrong reason can be a wrong decision. I know Commodore Norrington isn't a soaking wet pirate or even a well-meaning, buckle-shoed blacksmith, but he has his own sex appeal, a deep baritone voice that could be just lovely to hear in the throes of passion, and you might develop a uniform fetish. He's not a eunuch, regrettably, but as far as that sort of thing goes, once a person is married, all bets are off. Elizabeth? Are you there? Are you even listening to me?"

But it was too late. Elizabeth was rowing for the _Black Pearl. _

Climbing up the side of it, because the narrator was too lazy at the moment to remember if it was the port side or the starboard side, she dodged a few of the lingering crewmembers and snuck below decks to the brig. There they all were, Gibbs, Anamaria, Cotton, Marty, and the rest with a "Twister" mat.

"Right hand green!" one of them called, the spinner in his hand.

"Ooh, that's a hard one," Gibbs mumbled as they all changed positions, a few of them toppling over each other. "Miss Elizabeth! You came for us!"

"All of you with me! We have to get into that cave!" They ran with her up to the main deck where she stopped at a longboat. There just seems to be no end in sight of those things. She wondered if they magically appeared. "Ready? And heave!"

No one moved.

"Please! I need your help!"

"But we've got the _Pearl,_" Gibbs said.

"The _Pearl_? Mr. Gibbs, what happened to your trademark loyalty? You're just going to leave Jack?"

"Jack owes Anamaria a ship anyway." He clamped Anamaria's mouth shut just in time to avoid a sales pitch. "And there's the Code to consider."

"The Code? Fuck the Code!"

"You're lucky Jack's dad can't hear you right now."

"It doesn't matter! They're more like guidelines than actual rules!"

Oh well. It would be another two movies before Elizabeth would be practiced enough in the ways of rousing speeches to convince anyone to follow her into a deathtrap. She rowed the boat to the cave by herself. Feminists everywhere cheered and fanboys of all ages were happy to see her toned arms in action.

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**A/N: I do not own _Titanic_, and just for the record, I find James Norrington a fairly sexy character even though I feel I am just destroying him in this parody. Jack Davenport is fantastic!**


	35. The Scene With SWORDS and EXPLOSIONS!

There is a really big battle happening on the _Dauntless _right now between Norrington's men and the undead pirates. Spectacular really, even Governor Swann involved in beating off a skeletal hand. But the scene cuts are so many that we're going to see what our protagonists are doing. At this time also, the _Black Pearl _sailed back to Tortuga, her crew unwisely feeling they deserved some wine, women, and song.

"I must admit, Jack, I thought I had ye figured, but it turns out you're a hard man to predict."

"Me? I'm dishonest," Jack admitted to Barbossa. "A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's the honest ones you want to watch out for." He stole a glance at Will. "You can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly stupid." He unsheathed a pirate's sword and threw it to Will at the same time he engaged in a duel with Barbossa.

"You're off the edge of the map, mate." Barbossa lunged at him. "Here there be monsters."

They fought, leaping around the treasure with a primal determination. Will fought, too.

"You can't beat me, Jack," Barbossa sighed as Jack impaled him. The lad had gotten better over the years, but for some reason was still deemed the worst swordsman in the series. Barbossa contemplated the term "opportune moment" for half a second and then impaled Jack with his sword.

Oh no! The movie's over and the guy we were all rooting for is dead! Millions flood out of the theaters in agony, tearing out each other's hair and swooning away in despair. A few budding fangirls throw themselves off bridges.

Just kidding.

Jack took one of the medallions, remember? He's okay. He's Captain Jack Sparrow. Savvy?

Staggering into the moonlight, feigning the throes of death, Jack revealed his skeletal form. "That's interesting." Playing with the medallion, running it over his bones, he added with a smirk, "Couldn't resist, mate."

"So what now, Jack Sparrow? Will it be two immortals locked in an epic battle until Judgment Day and trumpets sound?"

"This isn't _Highlander_. Just surrender."

Will couldn't pay too much attention to the glorious battle between the two greatest characters in the series, busy with his own goon coming at him.

"I'm gonna teach you the meaning of pain!" the pirate threatened.

"You like pain?" Will heard a voice. The pirate fell to the ground after a heavy staff bashed him in the head. "Try wearing a corset."

"Elizabeth!" Will exclaimed. "You came for me!"

"Yeah, that's who I came for…" Her eyes shifted to and fro.

"And what a great action catchphrase!"

"Thanks! I was working on it on the row over. So I see Jack has made himself a cursed immortal."

"Yeah. I played along with it."

"Did you now? I'm very proud of you. We should probably jump back into the action."

Will was secure enough in his masculinity to know when he needed a woman's assistance when it came to combat, so they fought off the rest of the mooks together, maneuvering them until the last three were all together, and then stuck a grenade into the middle one and pushed them out of the moonlight. It was an explosion that would have made George Lucas proud.

Jack knew the time was coming. He slit his hand with his sword, his blood dripping onto the medallion, and tossed it to Will. Barbossa still had no suspicions the heroes were even close to achieving their goal and instead aimed his pistol right at Elizabeth.

A shot rang out.

Considered a homage to _Raiders of the Lost Ark _instead of a direct rip-off of it, the camera revealed what had really happened was that Jack shot Barbossa right in the heart milliseconds before he even had a chance to waste Elizabeth.

"Ten years ye carry that pistol and now ye waste your shot!" Barbossa taunted him.

Jack said nothing, his steely glare with just a hint of a smirk speaking volumes.

"He didn't waste it." Thank God for Mr. Exposition to tell the audience what it already knew. Will dropped the last medallions into the chest, lifting the curse once and for all.

Dropping his sword, a stunned Barbossa opened his shirt, blood spreading like wildfire from his wound. "I feel…cold."

His lifeless body crashed to the ground, an apple rolling from his hand.

"Freedom!" the apple cried, hopping out of the cave whistling a hymn.

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**A/N: Hmm, more things I don't own. I do not own _Highlander _or _Raiders of the Lost Ark_, which is one of my favorite movies ever. **


	36. The Grand Finale Scene

**A/N: This is the last chapter of this parody. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. You might like my AWE: The Musical, but I also have a DMC parody. Please let me know if you'll be interested. I do not own a few things in this chapter; namely there are some references to Johnny Depp's other movies. I do not own _Airplane _or _The Wizard of Oz. _Thank you again, and I hope you've enjoyed this affectionate parody.**

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Our trio took the longboat and rowed back out, expecting to see the _Black Pearl _pick up Jack and carry him to future adventures and exploits, but only the _Dauntless _waited for them.

"I'm sorry, Jack," Elizabeth said. Not as sorry as I'll be as Mrs. Norrington, though. Better start learning to make shadow puppets since my adventures are over.

"They've done what's right by them, love, can't expect more than that…lowdown double-crossing bastards."

The journey back to Port Royal, Jack's trial, and all that aftermath would have probably made fun scenes, and as a shameless act of self-promotion, willofthewisp did in fact write an in-between story detailing the, er, details of all of that, but the movie doesn't beat around the bush, so we draw a veil over those events and come directly to Jack's hanging.

A fangirl puts a gun to her temple.

He's not really going to hang.

The fangirl sits back down in her seat just as another one gets rid of the match she was about to strike and apply to her gasoline-soaked body.

"Jack Sparrow, be it know that you have…"

"Captain, Captain Jack Sparrow," Jack muttered, rolling his eyes. The official who didn't even have to bother reading his lines failed to hear him.

"…for your willful commission of crimes against the crown. Said crimes being numerous in quantity and sinister in nature, the most egregious of these to be cited herewith piracy, duh, smuggling, goes right along with piracy, freeing a ship of slaves which will never be revealed onscreen but is part of your official backstory, throwing a toga party in Sherwood Forest…"

"This is wrong," Elizabeth said, in utter disbelief.

"Commodore Norrington is bound by the law, as are we all, although I am surprised you aren't up to something, Elizabeth. I would have thought you'd want to free him," her father said.

"I do, but I'm engaged, remember?" she snapped. She moved her neck to show her shock collar. "If I make one false move…or start barking…the voltage that would course through my neck would bring about severe pain."

"Well, that is keeping up with the latest London fashions," he said in an attempt to cheer her up. "They don't even use the medieval ball and chain anymore."

"…impersonating Keith Richards, singing off-key renditions of _Don't Stop Believin' _at bars, impersonating a cleric of the Church of England…" the official continued.

"Oh yeah," Jack sighed. Church sex. Talk about heavenly. He snickered at his own pun.

"…sailing under false colors, which again, falls under piracy, arson, kidnapping, looting, poaching, pilfering, depravity, extreme sexiness, _21 Jump Street_, appearing in a movie with Marlon Brando_, _once having scissors for hands, allowing yourself to be slaughtered by Freddy Krueger, and general lawlessness. And for these crimes you have been sentenced to be, on this day, hung by the neck until dead. May God have mercy on your soul."

"Damn! I crossed out 'hung' in the rough draft and told him to put in 'hanged' instead!" Norrington huffed. "Rebellious announcer insisting on poor grammar."

Will wove through the crowd, making his way to the rest of the main characters. He had a costume change, one that was a few decades behind the rest of the costumes, at the very least, but nevertheless, he did look dashing.

"Governor Swann. Commodore. Elizabeth."

"Will."

"I should have told you every day from the moment I met you—I love you." He walked away as quickly as he had come up to them.

"Was he referring to me?" Governor Swann asked at the same time Elizabeth noticed Cotton's parrot, its wings fluttering out as it perched on the cross on a flag and shat all over Leno and Beady.

"I can't breathe!" she announced before falling to the ground.

"Oh dear." Both men knelt over her, calling for the smelling salts.

Will threw his sword just as Jack fell through the trapdoor on the gallows. The sword stuck in the wood, Jack used it as a foothold. Will fought his way to him, cutting Jack free. Together, they made their way for the tower.

"The tower? Rapunzel!" an extra shouted.

"Tower?" Elizabeth lifted her head.

"You weren't really in a faint?" Norrington asked. About to press the shock collar remote, Elizabeth threw it off and sprinted after Will and Jack. "Wait for me! You can't have a love triangle without me!"

After several breathtaking stunts, Will and Jack were cornered by Norrington's men.

"I thought we might have to endure some manner of ill-conceived escape attempt, but not from you," he said.

"I'm the one scheduled to hang today," Jack scoffed. "Who else would you have expected an escape attempt from, you effeminate mountebank?"

"Yoo hoo." Will waved.

"Oh, sorry. Thanks for helping me out, even though it's all gone to pot and you'll probably hang with me now. But, hey! At least I didn't deflower your girlfriend!" Jack nudged him with sympathetic eyes.

"On our return from Port Royal I granted you clemency, and this is how you thank me, by throwing in your lot with him?"

"I know he's only a blacksmith, but he's a good man!" Jack patted Will. "Oh. Right. Not me again."

"Jack is a good man. If all I have achieved here is that the hangman will earn two pairs of boots instead of one, so be it. At least my conscience will be clear."

"You forget your place, Turner," Norrington said, stepping towards him.

"It's right here between you and Jack, seeing as how I will always be floating in the middle of your extremes, sometimes being a decent civilian, other times attempting to be piratical. Most of the time, it's going to be decent civilian."

"Will, you're babbling," Elizabeth said, taking his arm. "You need someone like me around to help you maintain some coolness."

"Elizabeth! Lower your weapons. For goodness sake, put them down!" Governor Swann ordered.

"I was wantin' to shoot her," one of the riflemen whispered to the other.

"Too many petticoats. You wouldn't have even wounded her," the other hushed him.

"So this is where your heart truly lies, then?" Norrington asked her, his heart visibly breaking, endearing him to the fans in spite of his occasional jerkiness.

"Can we still be friends?" Elizabeth asked pathetically.

"No, we can't still be friends. You promised me ankles!"

Not really wanting to hear about the promises Elizabeth made to every man in the series but him, Jack noticed Cotton's parrot.

"Well! I'm actually feeling rather good about this." He approached Governor Swann. "You know, I know it isn't right, but I'm gonna miss the way you used to holler for help before you found your courage."

"I never would have found it if it hadn't been for you." Governor Swann wiped his eye before he remembered that he really wasn't fond of this pirate at all, but he had already approached Norrington.

"Goodbye, Brocade Man."

"Now I know I have a heart because it's breaking," Norrington sobbed before he also remembered he really wasn't all that fond of Jack.

"Elizabeth?"

Oh, he's going to pull a vine out of nowhere and swing me to his ship! She squealed inside.

"You had me at Scene 5."

Well, that was kind of a declaration of love and angst…she could live with that until the sequel. Something told her Captain Jack Sparrow would be appearing in the next special pirate edition of _Playgirl._

"Will…nice hat. Friends, this is the day you will always remember as the day that…whow!" He stumbled back and fell over the battlement.

"Idiot!" Gillette Razor blurted. "Even though I said he was the best pirate I ever heard of earlier."

"Sail ho!" an extra called in the background, already envisioning his future roles as Mephistopheles and Hamlet.

"Mr. Turner," Norrington said, turning to him.

"I'll accept the consequences of my actions," Will said. Kicking and screaming all the way.

"This is a beautiful sword." Norrington unsheathed the sword Will had made for him. "I would expect the man who made it to show the same care and devotion in every aspect of his life and I would expect a summer movie audience to not be expecting metaphors."

"Thank you. Bitch."

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to afford Sparrow one day's head start. I can't see that hurting my career or resulting in further bad decisions on down the road." With that, Norrington exited, humming a mournful Bryan Adams tune.

"So this is the path you've chosen?" Governor Swann asked Elizabeth. "After all, he is a eunuch."

"Oh, Father, everyone knows I'm just settling for now." She then proceeded to give Will a very VERY stiff kiss that the critics never really forgave either of them for.

Meanwhile, on the deck of the _Black Pearl_, a soaking wet pirate was heaved aboard. "I thought you were supposed to keep to the Code."

"We figured they were more like guidelines. A bit ironic something Barbossa said at the beginning of the movie ended up saving your ass in the end, isn't it? Well, CAPTAIN, the _Black Pearl _is yours," Gibbs said.

Fondling the helm, Jack smiled to himself.

"All right! Nautical terms! Now…bring me that horizon." Humming to himself, he opened his compass, grinning at where its arrow pointed. A sequel is most definitely in the works, he thought.

"And really bad eggs/Drink up, me hearties/Yo ho."

**END**


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